Beauties & Beaties

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

That's What I Hate About You

After a bit of a gushy post last week, I decided to mix things up a little bit. The question for this week's topic is: What are three traits shared by a majority of the opposite sex that has a tendency to piss you off the most.

On such a charged topic, I needed two bloggers that weren't afraid to tell it like it is and not be afraid to color their speech. For the Beast, I bring you an old friend of mine from wordpress, the not quite ready for prime time, Pure Evyl. For the Beauty, I bring you the always opinionated, Dr. Pepper swilling, Yellowdog Granny.

Once again it's ladies first. So let 'er rip!!!

She said: Fuzz has asked me to do a post on three traits that men have in common that piss me off. I jumped at the chance...then I gave it some serious thought.....(first sign of trouble...... thinking) and you know what? I don't think I have the right to judge men..Why? I haven't had a relationship with a man in 21 years.. what the hell do I know about men...21 years ago the only thing about men that interested me was if he wanted to watch sports, drink beer and fuck afterwards.

Conversation wasn't a top priority. If I could out drink you and you could out fuck were in...There were certain considerations that were had to be a lefty(as in politics) and you had to be a Cowboy fan. No married men...had to be hygenic and have most or all of your teeth. I preferred non-smokers but as long as you didn't blow the smoke in my face or up my ass, I could deal with it.

Male chauvinist's usually weren't interested in me nor I them...They were the one's that if you told them no, they assumed you were a lesbian and would tell all their friends that you were a dyke and to not bother..Those were usually the ones that I would tell:"I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's pussy."...that tended to 'piss them off'and was sure to get my name written on the men's bathroom wall along side 'fucking dyke'...those kind of men do tend to piss me off...

And well, now that I have thought about who talk to my breasts tend to piss me off too...They are usually the ones who continually keep 'accidentally' bumping my tits with their arm, elbow, chest, hand and face. These same men are the ones who think the bigger your tits the dumber you are..they don't seem to understand that you really can see them nudge your buddy, snicker and point at your tits and that you have picked up a long neck Lone Star and are fixing to give him an attitude adjustment up side his head.So maybe there are things about men that piss me off..

Men that assume because I am a woman I can't fix my own car, do my own repairs around the house and don't need them to pump my gas...When I taught my sons how to work on their cars, I also did the same with my daughter when she got her car..I told her we were going to learn how to change the oil, the tires and plugs.She whined...'but that's boys work'...I asked her:"Have you ever seen a man work on a car?"..she said 'yes.'..."At any time, while he was working on his car did he ever take out his dick and use it?"she said:"euwwwwww, that's gross mom, but no..I never did."..."well then, until you actually see a man whip out his dick and use it to take out a spark plug, anything a man can do can do.You don't need a dick to change your oil."

So that pretty much are the things about men that piss me off...but if you're interested in watching some football and have some free time on your hands....come to West, Texas...I have such a deal for you.

He said: After deleting about about umpteen dozen things that women do that piss me off, I distilled it down to three main items.

Women just don't think right: Men think like Joe Friday. Give us the facts and we will sort out problems in a clear, concise, logical means. This idea is totally alien to most women. No they want to empathize, emotionalize, rationalize, and most of all think of how this relates to them on some psychic bullshit level.

This is why it is impossible to argue with a woman. They will ignore the facts of the argument and instead delve into your motivations and innermost feelings. Here is some news gals. We don't have motivations and psyches. If you want us to abandon an argument, then here is a better solution. Rather than delving into our innermost feelings, just flash us your tits. We will concede you the victory every single damn time.

Quit Moving My Shit: I don't know why but something about having a pair of tits makes every woman think that they are a fucking interior designer in quest of the perfect room. There is absolutely no damned reason to keep moving that ugly ass couch around the room like some warped game of 'bang your fucking shin on the coffee table again this week dumbass.'

I have come to the understanding that one of the main reasons that women move men's shit around after they move in, is purely defensive. If they make it so hard for you to find your shit, then you can't leave. It would take far too long to find all of your shit to make a clean getaway.

Dressing Like A Construction Worker's Wet Dream But Acting Like a Jr. High Virgin: Women if you go out wearing a pair of pants that are so damned tight that you must think that I am deaf because I can read your damned lips and a low cut top and a push up bra that causes your tits to defy the law of gravity, then for Christ's sake don't act like a fucking vestal virgin when some poor shmuck stares at your tits.

Stick a tit in my face and I am going to give it a good look every damn time. Hell, stick it out there for a little bit and I might do more than fucking look. Same goes for an ass or any other female body part and if you are over the age of 25 and wearing a midriff shirt with a belly button ring then don't blame me for thinking that you remind me of nine out of ten porn actresses. If you don't like it then cover your shit up with a burkha or a barrel or God forbid some sensible fucking clothes.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

You Can Leave Your Hat On

Today on BvB, I wished to expand myself a bit. I have many erotic writers on my blogroll. I truly enjoy reading their works but have never posted under my own name anything of an erotic nature. Therfore, I enlisted the sexy and erotic, Green Eyes, to help me tackle this question: What can a potential lover do or say to drive you mad with passion while keeping both of your clothes on.

Greeneyes: To answer the question, I need to know a few things: What kind of mood am I in? Where are we? What am I wearing? And, most importantly, did I remember to shave my legs? Hey, a girl's got to look and feel her best in order to let herself be driven crazy with passion!

Seriously though, let's be honest here. If you're a potential lover of mine, I want you. I'm not going to wait around for you to make the first move. However, a whispered, "Damn, I want you," said huskily in my ear in between hot kisses and roaming hands, preferably while he has me pressed against a wall,(sorry, too much? lol), is guaranteed to make me crazy. I'm a girl who uses the least amount of words to get my point across, so that's what I like from others. Tell me what you want. Tell me you want me, the dirtier you say it, the better. Telling me I'm beautiful is not going to make me crazy with passion, it's only going to make me laugh. So, stay clear of the sappy compliments. You can save them for that romantic dinner or walk on the beach. Make is short and sweet, with some mud thrown in, and we won't be wearing clothes for long!

Fuzz: How does a woman do it? With but a mere glance, with the most subtle of whispered invitations, with the softest of touches, a woman can bring the strongest of men to their knees. Some women have mastered this delicate art while some are born with this power and never even realize that they have it. It is not about looks. It is that certain animal magnetism. It is a return to a bygone age when humans were wild ferile beings.

With but a mere glance from across a room, a women has the power to beguile and bewitch. I have heard it said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Nothing is so rapturous or so tempting as to peer into those windows and witness silhouetted against a woman's soul, her body arched in ecstasy awaiting that sweet release with a whispered promise that only you can fulfill her desires.

When a man needs to be heard, most of the time his voice is raised. When a woman wishes to be heard, she needs only whisper. There is no sound more seductive or sublime than a husky promising whisper. It is a sound that almost begs to be released until it can be brought to a full primal release of ecstasy.

There is nothing quite like the soft and tender touch of a woman. The delicate feel of fingertips across the back of a hand, the running of fingers through the hair and trailing down the neck, the soft brush of bodies together that hints of a time soon to come when two bodies become intertwined into one in passion.

I have heard the old saying that goes, 'The worst sex that I have ever had wasn't half bad. But in order for it to achieve passion. It starts with a look, a whisper, and a soft tender touch. Then it can be so much more. It can be ecstasy.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

BvB At The Movies

Today on BvB, The Beauty and the Beast look at good and bad relationships in the movies. The lovely and talented Laurie from Stranded In Suburbia and the Wild Man of the Web, Metal Mark from Heavy Metal Time Machine give their views to the question, ' What do you think are the best examples of a good and a bad relationship on film.'

She said: When Fuzz presented me with the topic for my second appearance here at BvB, I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. The topic, "Examples of good relationships and bad relationships in movies" stumped me. Why? Well my first thought was that unlike most of my girlfriends, I hate hate HATE those so-called "chick-flicks", so the "usual" female viewpoint on movies doesn’t apply to me. Then, I thought that while there are plenty of examples of bad relationships in movies, there aren’t many "good" examples. Because you see, I think the "good" examples are actually too good to be true. For instance, the example presented in the film "Pretty Woman": Street ho meets very rich john who falls in love with her after paying for her "services", and then sweeps her off her feet in the end to live happily ever after. As if. That movie caused many a ho to wrongly believe that her knight in shining armor was just another $50 hummer away.

My favorite example of a good relationship would be the one between that beauty, Fay Wray, and her beast, the one and only King Kong. Yeah, he kidnapped her, carried her along as he smashed his way through New York City, and then climbed to the top of the Empire State Building with her in his grasp – but – he loved her unconditionally as only a big monkey can, and he died for her in the end. Pass the tissue, would ya?

"Walk the Line", a movie based on reality, told the amazing love story of the man in black, Johnny Cash, and his beloved June Carter. Though stormy at times, their relationship was solid, and their love for each other lasted until death did they part.

Bad relationship examples are, like I said, much easier to come up with when thinking about the movies. The best bad example by far, at least in my opinion, is the relationship between Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction". Also known as the married man’s worst nightmare, I think Glenn’s performance as a post-bootycall crazed psycho-stalker kept a lot of guys from cheating for a while after seeing this movie - at least for a week or so, anyway.
Another bad relationship was the one between Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson in "Indecent Proposal". Desperate for money, Woody decides to let a millionaire bag his wife for a cool million bucks. Predictably, his wife falls for the millionaire’s big hard wallet and leaves her husband. The lesson here is that money can buy love… or something.

Don’t forget about the good old fashioned porn flick, either. Now, there may be some debate on whether they set a good example or a bad example for relationships, but I think it’s all in how you look at it. If you think that pornos are "degrading" to women, well, then you’ll say "bad example". However, if you are like me and think that there is nothing wrong with a no-strings attached, purely physical, just-for-fun bootycall between two consenting adults – well, then you’d say "good example".

Anyway, those are my thoughts… what are yours?

Beauty signing off

He Said: What is the best and worst examples of a relationship that you have seen in a movie and why?

Okay, so I had to come up with the best and worst examples of a relationship from the movies. I watch a lot of sci-fi and horror films so those are where my examples came from. At first I thought that the worst relationship was Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his girlfriend Linda from the excellent Evil Dead 2 because he killed her because the Book of the dead had taken her over and then her possessed corpse tried to kill him. However that doesn’t really count because she was technically possessed rather than thinking with her own free mind. So the real worst example of a relationship in a movie is between Sidney (Neve Campbell) and Billy (Skeet Ulrich) in Scream. Sidney had been through a lot with her mother’s death and she thought she had a strong relationship with Billy. However, it turned the relationship wasn’t real on Billy’s part because:

*spoiler alert* (although I can’t imagine that you have not seen this film)

Billy had killed Sidney’s mom with his partner, killed her best friend, beat up her father and they planned to frame him for multiple murders. Then they tried to kill Sidney and they inspired killers in two less than adequate sequels. Hey, you just don’t do that in a relationship, it’s just not right. However Billy got his and Sidney made it through the trilogy. This was an example of a relationship that involved lies, deceit and well, all the bad stuff I listed above.

The best was more difficult to come up with.

The best relationship actually takes place over several movies and it’s Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) from the first three Star Wars movies or the Episodes 4-6 if you go by that. They bicker in the first film, but you tall they like each and they do come from different backgrounds. They bicker more in the second film, but you can see them drawing closer a bit in Empire. Then poor Han gets frozen and you can tell Leia is upset, but probably not as upset as Han because he was you know...frozen. When Han is back to normal in Jedi then you can see their relationship start to get stronger and you can tell that it will be strong. I mean they went through numerous battles, getting shot at, Han got frozen, Leia had to wear that outfit at the beginning of the third film and they had to put up Billy Dee Williams “acting abilities”. Yet they became closer through all of that so you just know they will be together forever or until one of them gets knocked off in a battle against the Empire.

Monday, September 11, 2006


In light of the observance of the fifth anniversary of 9/11, the regular BvB post will be postponed until Wednesday. Today I ask the question, 'What changes did this tragic day bring to your life?'

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Served In Fine Crystal Or An Aluminum Can?

This week, Beauty vs. The Beast pits Sugar Daddy Vs Ol' Lady answering the burning question for recently married folk. ' After a few years is married sex like fine wine growing better with age or is it like an opened beer left over sitting on the coffee table getting flat.'

He Said: Fine wine, stale beer and married sex: Now there is a combination of which I am most familiar. Let me explain. The first sex I knew was married sex. In my town each high school had one of "those" girls but I guess I was buried too deeply in the alphabet and Miss Montabank's School for Wayward Girls got to her before I did. I drink beer and wine almost exclusively. I have had everything from Dom to Ripple on the wine meter and from fine German bier to Milwaukee's Best Light on the other. Therefore I think I know about all three elements here.

Married sex has different stages which all reflect life events. Newlyweds go at it with a vengeance (up to a point: "you want me to do WHAT?"). Kid planning means you get some when the thermometer says so ("Honey we have to leave NOW and do it. I will of course need to lie on my back with my legs in the air for 15 minutes afterwards". Funny, that is the only way you will get into that position.). Post kids sex gets verrrrrryyyyyy quiet (lights out, under covers, man on top, get it over quick). Empty nest sex is "well there's nothing on TV after 9 on Wednesday" (but lights out, under covers, man on top, get it over quick, and you want me to do WHAT?).

In a perfect world we would grow together, pass through our life stages together, and end at the point where everything is still new and exciting even though we have walked down that path together for years. How many sunrises/sunsets on the beach have we seen yet every one is different and special in its own way? I've read Cosmo. I know the secrets for "keeping your sex life new and exciting". But come on here, is this based in reality? I don't think so. After a few years we all bring different expectations and other things to the table. We want the sex after 35 + years to be just as exciting as it was on the honeymoon (well in my case it sucked cause we didn't really have a clue). But it just isn't so. Try to "explore new territory" (you want me to do WHAT?) and you will find yourselves in the "It works best this way, you do this, I will do that (but not THAT), and our weekly/monthly/semi-annually/etc obligation will be fulfilled.

Married sex should be like fine wine getting better as it gets older. However, if fine wine is exposed to the wrong environment for just an hour it will turn to vinegar. Marriage in and of itself could be that wrong environment. Stale beer is stale beer no matter how you cut it. It can cut your thirst and it is a lot better than vinegar.
Now if I ever get to try Unmarried sex………………………

She Said:Married Sex after a few years: Like fine wine getting better with age or like a beer left on the coffee table going flat?I had to read the question a few times (no I’m not blond, but yes I am female). Hummmm…I did not realize that after being married for a few years that people still had sex, so this question is a bit of a puzzle for me. Just kidding…actually we had sex recently….oh, never mind he wasn’t there I was alone….does that still count?

After being with Ol Man for so long I do know what he likes and he knows what I like. So maybe the fine wine is what we are. But then again…maybe flat beer. I’ll just list a few ideas for both, because I think it really depends on ones mood and time of day.

Like fine wine because…..
- you pay extra for fine wine, and god knows you pay and pay and pay in a long standing marriage.
- you can get excited just at the thought of a nice glass of fine wine, just thinking about a nice evening together can get one excited
- when you have fine wine you savour the flavour, when sex is just right you savour the moment
- when you think of the fine wine from 2 days ago it makes you feel good and crave more, when thinking about the warm loving sex from 2 days ago you get a warm fuzzy (not to be confused with fuzzbox unless you’re Angry Joyce) and want to be with your lover again.

Like flat beer because….
- you know it’s been there all night going flat, and with our spouses we know that they have been here along time also and going flat? or fat? you decide.
- you know you want it cause there is no more in the house, you know you still want sex but really at this point in there more out there?
- even though you know it will be not so good going down the end result will be o.k., some days you know the sex won’t be so good but hopefully the end result will be o.k. and even if it’s not you now know how to do it for yourself so really the end result will be o.k.
- it may be warm and smelly but what the hell drink it anyways it’s better than nothing.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Tough Question

This is the weekly topic that gives everyone a chance to tell it like they see it. Your question for today: What do you feel would be the hardest thing about being a member of the opposite sex?

Monday, August 28, 2006

The More The Merrier?

Beauty vs. The Beast gets some new blood this week as two new guest authors to this blog, Michael from Smoke and Mirrors and Writer Chick, tackle this fundamentalist topic:

Recently a youth group comprised of various fundamentalist Mormon sects held a protest rally in Salt Lake City, Utah. The question for you: Polygamy - Big Love or Too much of a good thing.

Click here for a press release from Principle Voices, an on-line fundamentalist Mormon outreach program.

She said: I have to be honest, I have never given much thought to polygamy. And aside from the article I recently read, my last recollection of it was a Bonanza episode I saw when I was a kid - though I don’t remember how that one turned out either.

I’m going to say that it is Big Love for Papa and not enough of a good thing for Mama, and Mama and Mama and Mama. To me, it’s the same old story, "It’s not that I don’t love you baby, it’s just that I have needs." According to Mormon history, the whole idea was passed down by the prophet, William Smith. He had 30 wives, so he definitely had needs. I guess that in the 1800's it was easier to talk a women into this sort of thing because they had less access to the world and probably a much smaller dating pool. But in modern times, I’ve got to wonder what would make a woman buy into this. Is there some special water in Utah that gives them low self-esteem?

The burning question for me is: Why is it these family units always have one father but lots of moms? You never hear of a woman polygamist, do you? Nope, it’s always the man with many wives, not the woman with many husbands. Sounds like a glaring double standard to me.

I mean, if you’re trying to populate the planet because of universal holocaust, okay - I’d be willing to roll with it for a few generations. You’re taking one (or one hundred) for the team. But barring that, how much seed is one farmer entitled to sow? Also, how do they work things out? Do they whip out an excel spreadsheet and figure out who gets what time slot with the Man of the House? What about custody rights if the couple splits up? Do they get group discounts on health insurance? Is this why there are so many Smiths in the Salt Lake City phone book? Then there is the economical impact. How much viagra is this guy going to need in his golden years? Is Medicare going to be footing the bill? Do I want my tax dollars to pay for this?

I’m thinking it’s time to shift into modern times, stop being so greedy and go with the usual, one spouse at a time approach.

He said: Someone once said, "Polygamy is having one wife too many. And monogamy is the same thing." While I can't totally agree with the sentiment, I will go on record as saying that a scenario that sees me with 30 wives is just insane and impossibly difficult for me to comprehend. Actually, the thought makes me a wittle bit queasy.

I looked at this "big love/too much love" quandary and immediately decided to look at the physiological issues. Science has proven that women living together, cycle together.
And what does that mean? It means I would have no choice but to live in exile for three months out of the year. How could anyone be around that much hormonal angst?

I can handle one wife and three daughters; but 20? 25?! 30? Holy Freekin' Guacamole.

I can almost see my life played out on the big screen, filmed and directed by Stanley Kubrick. He seems to be the kind of director that's capable of filming a virtual emotional wasteland that would ultimately be my life. Don't get me wrong, I love women. But a guy has limits for God's sake.

I thought about the intimacy problems associated with multiple wives. Will someone please hand me my libido? I realize that polygamy isn't all about the sex but what the hell kind of regimen must one engage in to keep up with Mary…and Debra….and MaryKate…and Ashley...and SusieQ…and…who knows who else.

The blue-veined junket pumper only keeps the party going for so long, ya know? You eventually have to talk…to all of them. Ay Chihuahua.

Is polygamy big love or too much love?

IMHO, it's too much of just about everything. From hair products and clothes to make-up and the numerous impending mood swings. I'm not even going to touch the "shoe department". (My Shoes! No! My Shoes!)

There are many aspects of polygamy that I will never be able to accept nor understand.
But honestly, would I really want to?

(Honey, sorry I'm late…our anniversary was yesterday? I thought you liked it that way? Which one are you again? You again?)