Beauties & Beaties

Thursday, February 23, 2006

When Does Friendship Cross the Line?

A man recently confronted his wife about gifts she was receiving from her really good friend at work who happened to be male. The wife insists that they are just friends. For her birthday, her co-worker bought her a necklace. Is this crossing the line of "friendship"? Is it ever OK for your spouse to have a best friend of the opposite sex? Fuzz and Vic present their views on the topic:

He Says: Why should a secure husband feel threatened by a mere bauble given to his wife by a male co-worker and friend? Unless it was a pearl necklace, then he has nothing to fear. I have never subscribed to the 'Harry Met Sally' theory that men and women cannot be friends. I, myself, have many female friends and would never dream of entertaining notions of any type of relationship that would cross this boundary ;)

The big question is simply this; Are you a secure husband? Before you fly off the handle and berate your spouse for having a male friend, take a deep calming breath and let's go over a few questions that you need to ask yourself to see if you have done all that you could to forge a secure relationship.

1) Do you talk to your spouse? - By talking to your spouse, I mean do you let her ramble to her hearts content while you put on either a concerned, a loving, or an amused face as the situation calls for? And do you tell her everyday how pretty she is when she first wakes up in the morning, and how her ass hasn't spread an inch since childbirth? Women need to hear these things and if you are unable to lie to them then some other guy will and in the guise of a best friend.

2) Are you the best lover that you can be? - Do you sleep on the wet spot or at least cover it with a towel like a gentleman so that she can get a good nights rest? Do you back off when she is not in the mood and ready in a moments notice when she is? If not, then someone will gladly take your place in the sexual line up posing as a concerned friend.

3) Are you a good provider? - Do you take on as many jobs as possible to support her in the livestyle that she so richly deserves? Have you clawed your way, kissed enough asses, and climbed over the backs of enough people to have climbed far enough up the corporate ladder to give her all her heart desires? If not, then some Mr. Moneybags could come and be that special friend, The Sugar Daddy.

If you have answered yes to all of these questions then you have absolutely nothing to fear from your wife having a best friend as a man. If the answers to these questions are no then you better get to work on them before she finds a friend or before long she could be copulating with the copy boy and the next office party will feature naked Twister and you won't be invited. It's either that or find a place where all of her co-workers are gay men. They make the best male friends to any man's wife.

She Says: Let me just preface everything by saying that I work with all men and my best friends are men, so I'm either the worst to get this one or the best. You can decide...

Necklace from co-worker? Kinda strange as I've never had a "just friend" buy me a necklace. You know, come to think of it, hubby's the only one to ever give me a necklace...hmmmm. (That is unless you count the pearl kind, and I firmly believe that when you get one of those you should get earrings too.) I think I'm a little more weirded out about the fact that it's a co-worker than the fact that it's a man. But that's just me. I mean are we talkin' Wally World costume necklace or Tiffany's? That's a signifcant detail.

OK, my bestest friend in the whole world is a man. We just click. I tell him most everything and when I shut up long enough, he does the same. Hubby knows about him and for the most part doesn't care. Does this mean that I don't catch my friend looking at my boobs sometimes? Ah, no. Does this mean that my friend would turn me down if I offered to um "service" him? Doubt it. But, we do have a relationship without sex and it's a pretty darn good one. So, yes, I think male-female relationships can exist without the other stuff. My motto is...Men and women can be great friends without sex, BUT friends can have great sex too. (I may have gone too far there.)

And just for the record, Hubby works with a woman that he consistently goes to lunch with alone. I'm fine by it. He gets to pick his own friends, just like me. I think that's part of being a grown up.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Your Cheatin' Heart

You notice that your signifcant other is acting differently, but can't really put your finger on it. Then it occurs to you: Is he/she cheating on me? What are the signs? Texas is representin' with Crazy Dan and Ann Alsex and their insightful posts on how to tell if your loved one is cheating:

He Says: So you think that crazy trick might be cheating on you. Never fear, I am a master of the female psychology and I can help you bust that slut quicker than you can say "daddy likes it doggy style".

First off, you have to know those bitches can be down right scandalous. She may think she is crafty and slick, but know that God gave you a penis for a reason, so use that to slap some sense in her. The best way to know if your little honey hole is cheating on you is how she is performing in the bedroom. Experimentation and all that is gravy, but if that famous anus up and changes her style completely, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If she used to be a nympho and now she is a catholic school girl reading femi-nazi crap, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If you're too whipped to realize this, the sure fire way to know is by how the pussy feels; if she used to be smoking tight and all of a sudden she is walking around like she has been with a really big man, cut the ego and realize she's getting it from someone else...probably me if she's walking around like that.

However, there are other signs you can read before this happens. Note that you must actually pay attention to your little jizz mouth to read these signs, not all of us has the patience for this. If your skank starts paying more attention to her physical appearance and style like starting a new diet and actually sticking to it, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Sure there is nothing wrong with your fist fucker trying to lose a few pounds but if you have been in a relationship for awhile and she has never really stuck to a diet and all of a sudden she is the second coming of Jenny Craig, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Any time a goo gobbler suddenly starts taking extra time with her appearance and it is not a special occasion, IT AIN'T RIGHT. So counter this by keeping lots of snack food around, remember chocolate is to fatties like kryptonite is to Superman.

The third easiest way to tell if the ankle grabber is cheating on is through technology. Cameras are cheaper and smaller then ever, by using a little strategery you can trick that ho. Place assorted cameras around the house then you don't have to pay attention to any signs or nothing just wait around and enjoy the amateur porn hour.

She Says: What an interesting piece to do after Valentines Day. But it seems oddly appropriate. There are many signs of a cheating loved one. Anything from the faint odor of a womans perfume on his clothes to odd cell phone calls that he leaves the room to take. But for me there are three definite signs that a lover is being unfaithful.

The third biggest sign is a marked decrease in sexual libido. If he is stepping out then he won't be stepping up. Face it, if he once attacked you when you were in flannel pjs and now he won't give you the time of day when you are in a slinky negligee then he is probably fishing in someone elses pond.

The second biggest sign is an increased sexual libido. Sometimes a lover will try to overcompensate for their indiscretions by wanting to make love more often than usual. Side by side with this sign is the arrival of new sexual techniques. If your lover has always been a meat and potatoes man and he shows up with Chicken Cordon Bleu and he hasn't been reading any cookbooks at the house then he is getting his recipes in someone elses kitchen.

The most obvious sign however is finding a pair of thongs in his glovebox and you do not even wear panties. This actually happened to me early in my marriage when I was young and naive. Pookie told me that they were his and he did not tell me because he was embarrassed about this fetish. I now know better but it is still funny and kind of sexy watching him parade around in womens panties.

Ta-Ta's for now.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Will U B Mine?

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a great time to ask: What is the ideal Valentine's Day? Does it involve the traditional flower, candy, and dinner? Is that really what women want? Is that really what men want? We asked Jamie Dawn and Mojotek to get to the "heart of the matter."

She Says: It's Valentine's Day, and she's awakened by the sound of her man's mammoth fart, followed by, "Now, THAT was a good one!" She has a card hidden in her dresser along with a new book that he mentioned he wanted awhile back.

"Happy Valentine's Day, honey," she says, as she hands them to him.

"Uh, I'll give you your gift tonight," he stammers, adding, "Why don't you order Dominos and rent one of those silly romances for us to watch?"


Think ahead, guys! If you can't think of something special to do for your lady, pretend you're a gay interior designer and then start planning. Think sparkle! Think passion! Think details! Women love to be pampered and spoiled. We long to be cherished and adored.

Tell her to dress fancy and be ready by six. A limo arrives and takes you both to a quiet, secluded restaurant. You touch the small of her back, her cheek, her hand, and you whisper in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are that she is your sweetheart.

Throughout dinner, you gaze into her eyes, but she catches you staring at her cleavage a couple of times. She likes it. As she sips champagne and savors chocolate mousse, you place a box on the table. She finds sparkly BLING, and she lights up & giggles all the way home. Has SHE got a present for you!

We all know what men want. After an evening like that, you’ll get it. Unless, of course, on the ride home you hear these dreaded words: “I can’t wait to get out of these clothes! I’m cramping so bad and flowing like a frickin’ river!” An extra tip: Make a lady feel cherished all the time, and your bed will get a regular workout, guaranteed… on non-frickin’ flowing river days, that is.

He Says: The Perfect Valentine’s Day… is there one? I don’t think I’ve ever had the experience of the perfect Valentine’s Day. So I’ll go ahead and give you an example of what NOT to do on such a special day, followed by what would really be an ideal one.

First, do NOT think that because your significant other says they understand how tight things have been with your pocket book lately that you can just get away with a card and a balloon that says “To Do List: You”. Secondly, no matter how tired you are from work, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fall asleep before making sweet sweet love with your girl, ESPECIALLY if she’s spent a ton of money on stripper shoes and naughty lingerie. And finally, if you happen to get caught in the first two embarrassing and highly lethal scenarios, do not, under any circumstances or fits of pride, argue that you were tired or broke. The idiot who loses his left gonad after pulling a few stunts like this didn’t really understand that he was playing with nitroglycerine, not a box of matches.

Now, let’s move on to more pleasant subjects, like MY perfect Valentine’s Day. I’m a pretty flexible guy, and I’m not too incredibly picky when it comes to pleasing me, but since we’re talking about the PERFECT Valentine’s Day, I’m going to go all out. There are a few stipulations to my perfect day that commemorates Saint Valentine, the Patron Saint of Humping.

The first being that we start the night off right with a little pre-drinking. Nothing says “I love you sweetie” like a couple of shots of Cuervo Gold before you go out. The next stipulation is dinner. We gots to be gettin’ our grub on if papa’s gonna be workin’ his pelvis of power later that evening. The most nutritious meal I can imagine is a 5 course feast at any number of Japanese restaurants. Start off light with some miso soup and a salad, followed by some fried oysters. Then move on to the more robust fare of sushi rolls and nigiri (eel, tuna, salmon, and crab should all get a nod), followed by some scrumptious shrimp tempura. Remember, don’t be stingy with the Saki, it’s a special night. Oh yeah, daddy’s having a great time so far.

Now for the entertainment. The most romantic venue I can come up with is Solid Platinum; the premiere high class gentlemen’s club this side of the Appalachians. You can both sit at an exclusive table and sip dirty martini’s while the winner of last month’s “Monster Mammary” contest struts her stuff on stage. This is where a little bit of planning comes in handy too. See, if your girl really loves you, she should have already been working this club for the last few weeks. Ideally, she already has a few friends that work there with ‘open minds’.

This is the part where she takes out her Visa and starts buying rounds for all of your new swingin’ friends. So, to cut a long story short, the end result should be some video footage that will make you ghetto-rich (well, at least as rich as anyone else who’s making a living off of homemade porn), strange women’s panties all over your bedroom, and a trip to the clinic to get tested for STD’s.

Oh yeah, and I think roses should end up in there somewhere too, but I’ll be damned if I can remember where.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Round Two - Updated

Round One has been a smashing success! We still have one pair from Round One, Jamie Dawn and Mojotek, (who has graciously accepted my last minute offer/plea). They will be featured in the next post.

I've had to do a little shuffling since Phoenix flew the coop (only temporarily), plus I thought it would be fun to switch things up a little. So, here are the new pairings for Round Two:

Crazy Dan vs. Ann Alsex
:p fuzzbox vs. Vic
josh vs. Norma Jean
Ben Heller vs. pixie

We had a somewhat disproportionate amount of women to men, so we've asked some of the guys to do double duty. Any other guys who'd like to volunteer..please let us know! I'm going to add an e-mail link for topic suggestions as well. Thanks to all who volunteered!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Friends and Lovers

You've met someone that you are attracted to and would like to date; the problem is... it's your best friend's ex. Does that automatically make the person off-limits? Is it ever OK to date someone that had been previously involved with a close friend? Josh and Nowhere Girl tackle this volatile situation.

He Says: A typical guy's reaction boils down to one thing- did your friend come and talk to you first, or did you show up at his house one day to find your ex bent over the kitchen table? Understandably, the reactions would vary. Let's discuss both scenarios.

Scenario #1 - Jim has recently experienced a rough breakup with his girlfriend of two years, Karen. Jim's best friend, Bob, has been there for him during the painful recovery. Bob has listened to the sob stories during their slumber parties, bit his tongue when Jim wore Karen's clothes around the house, and even watched Thelma and Louise, Karen's favorite movie, with him. Attempting to get Jim back into the game, Bob tried to play the wingman on many a night, but all Jim wanted to do was go see Brokeback Mountain.
When Jim is finally at the point where he no longer cries everytime "their song" is on the radio (I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys), Bob knows the time is right to express his own interest in Karen. During their weekly visit to the neighborhood tea room, Bob broaches the subject. Jim is understanding, and with a slap on the ass, wishes Bob luck.

See how civilized the process can be? Really though, who are we kidding? We, men, are usually knuckle-dragging neanderthals when it comes to stuff like this.

Scenario #2 - Rocky and Tina originally met at his Philly hot dog stand when she stopped for lunch one day about 6 months ago. Rocky got a little bit too excited with his hot dog and squirted mustard all over her. Looking up at Rocky and his foot-long wiener, Tina was immediately smitten. Tina was soon dropping by for Rocky's dogs everyday around noon.

In the last month, their relationship rapidly fell apart. Tina constantly dropped hints about Rocky's dogs not filling her bun anymore, and other related complaints. Things came to a head one afternoon, when Tina showed up at her usual time. Rocky had been distracted by their problems and left his frankfurters in the steamer too long. They were all shriveled and limp. He smacked them, beat them, choked them, but they remained limp. She screamed at him that it was over and then stormed off.

Rocky was panic-stricken! He rushed over to his best friend Tony's store to ask for his advice. What waited for him was equally disturbing, Tony was serving Tina his own homemade Italian sausage!

Horrified, Rocky ran out without saying a word. He bided his time and ultimately got his revenge at Tony and Tina's wedding. Not only did Rocky recruit his friend, Ivan, to break Tony's Italian sausage, but Rocky also scored with one of the bridesmaids, Tony's sister. Payback is a bitch!
Moral of the story, guys, always think with the right head. Be a standup guy and talk to your friend first.

On a side note, I ended up marrying the best friend of a girl I was seeing...

She Says: So... your friend has been dating Mr. Hotty Pants. He's nice, charming, good-looking, and is dating your best friend. Things don't work out with them. You nurse her through the breakup and feel bad. That being said, because you are her friend, you know her VERY well. You are all too aware that she sucks her thumb when she sleeps, she followed and spied on him with binoculars like a bad episode of "Cheaters", and she broke into his email account every chance she got. You would have broken her heart, as well. You love her and she's a great friend... but an ultra shitty/annoying girlfriend.

Flash forward 2 months later... you are at Happy Hour. Three Cosmos in, up walks Mr Hotty Pant s. Still nice, charming, good-looking... but now... available. You hook up.

My name is Nowhere Girl and I will admit it: this was my scenario. *gasp*

I broke the Golden Rule.

Obviously the etiquette is: if you care about your friendship... just say NO! Period. That being said, we have all thrown that rule out the window a time are two. Why? The heat of the moment. Curiosity. Excitement. Intrigue. The taboo is usually the most exhilarating. We do it for a number of reasons. Most of the times, it's simple. There's a connection, it's natural, and it happens. No spiteful intentions whatsoever.

Personally, I think the rule is RIDICULOUS. If it didn't work out for you... why can't I have a shot?! Why should some silly unwritten rule dictate what I am and am NOT allowed to do. Screw THAT?! . That being said, the rule exists for a REASON, ladies. I know this FIRST HAND. Rather than delve into the outcome of MY scenario, let's examine the 3 main reason why all women should resist the temptation to bunk up with their friend's ex:

1) It's not worth the drama: Any normal, level-headed woman will admit that our gender can be extremely hateful, catty, and bitchy in times where we have been wronged. As soon as the word gets out of your dastardly deed... the phone calls will start, the text messages will fly, and your name will be MUD in your group of friends within 5 seconds flat. It's the inevitable. If you don't want to be the subject of MUCH drama and controversy (and possibly risk your social standing)... hooking up with your friend's ex is a BAD idea.

2) Typically, the guy's not worth it: In my scenario... minute man. Yay. * roll eyes *

3) Sloppy seconds: Yuck. Enough said.

As tempting as it is ladies, it is best to just say NO (even if Mr Hotty Pants is super man-o-licious...).