Beauties & Beaties

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Friends and Lovers

You've met someone that you are attracted to and would like to date; the problem is... it's your best friend's ex. Does that automatically make the person off-limits? Is it ever OK to date someone that had been previously involved with a close friend? Josh and Nowhere Girl tackle this volatile situation.

He Says: A typical guy's reaction boils down to one thing- did your friend come and talk to you first, or did you show up at his house one day to find your ex bent over the kitchen table? Understandably, the reactions would vary. Let's discuss both scenarios.

Scenario #1 - Jim has recently experienced a rough breakup with his girlfriend of two years, Karen. Jim's best friend, Bob, has been there for him during the painful recovery. Bob has listened to the sob stories during their slumber parties, bit his tongue when Jim wore Karen's clothes around the house, and even watched Thelma and Louise, Karen's favorite movie, with him. Attempting to get Jim back into the game, Bob tried to play the wingman on many a night, but all Jim wanted to do was go see Brokeback Mountain.
When Jim is finally at the point where he no longer cries everytime "their song" is on the radio (I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys), Bob knows the time is right to express his own interest in Karen. During their weekly visit to the neighborhood tea room, Bob broaches the subject. Jim is understanding, and with a slap on the ass, wishes Bob luck.

See how civilized the process can be? Really though, who are we kidding? We, men, are usually knuckle-dragging neanderthals when it comes to stuff like this.

Scenario #2 - Rocky and Tina originally met at his Philly hot dog stand when she stopped for lunch one day about 6 months ago. Rocky got a little bit too excited with his hot dog and squirted mustard all over her. Looking up at Rocky and his foot-long wiener, Tina was immediately smitten. Tina was soon dropping by for Rocky's dogs everyday around noon.

In the last month, their relationship rapidly fell apart. Tina constantly dropped hints about Rocky's dogs not filling her bun anymore, and other related complaints. Things came to a head one afternoon, when Tina showed up at her usual time. Rocky had been distracted by their problems and left his frankfurters in the steamer too long. They were all shriveled and limp. He smacked them, beat them, choked them, but they remained limp. She screamed at him that it was over and then stormed off.

Rocky was panic-stricken! He rushed over to his best friend Tony's store to ask for his advice. What waited for him was equally disturbing, Tony was serving Tina his own homemade Italian sausage!

Horrified, Rocky ran out without saying a word. He bided his time and ultimately got his revenge at Tony and Tina's wedding. Not only did Rocky recruit his friend, Ivan, to break Tony's Italian sausage, but Rocky also scored with one of the bridesmaids, Tony's sister. Payback is a bitch!
Moral of the story, guys, always think with the right head. Be a standup guy and talk to your friend first.

On a side note, I ended up marrying the best friend of a girl I was seeing...

She Says: So... your friend has been dating Mr. Hotty Pants. He's nice, charming, good-looking, and is dating your best friend. Things don't work out with them. You nurse her through the breakup and feel bad. That being said, because you are her friend, you know her VERY well. You are all too aware that she sucks her thumb when she sleeps, she followed and spied on him with binoculars like a bad episode of "Cheaters", and she broke into his email account every chance she got. You would have broken her heart, as well. You love her and she's a great friend... but an ultra shitty/annoying girlfriend.

Flash forward 2 months later... you are at Happy Hour. Three Cosmos in, up walks Mr Hotty Pant s. Still nice, charming, good-looking... but now... available. You hook up.

My name is Nowhere Girl and I will admit it: this was my scenario. *gasp*

I broke the Golden Rule.

Obviously the etiquette is: if you care about your friendship... just say NO! Period. That being said, we have all thrown that rule out the window a time are two. Why? The heat of the moment. Curiosity. Excitement. Intrigue. The taboo is usually the most exhilarating. We do it for a number of reasons. Most of the times, it's simple. There's a connection, it's natural, and it happens. No spiteful intentions whatsoever.

Personally, I think the rule is RIDICULOUS. If it didn't work out for you... why can't I have a shot?! Why should some silly unwritten rule dictate what I am and am NOT allowed to do. Screw THAT?! . That being said, the rule exists for a REASON, ladies. I know this FIRST HAND. Rather than delve into the outcome of MY scenario, let's examine the 3 main reason why all women should resist the temptation to bunk up with their friend's ex:

1) It's not worth the drama: Any normal, level-headed woman will admit that our gender can be extremely hateful, catty, and bitchy in times where we have been wronged. As soon as the word gets out of your dastardly deed... the phone calls will start, the text messages will fly, and your name will be MUD in your group of friends within 5 seconds flat. It's the inevitable. If you don't want to be the subject of MUCH drama and controversy (and possibly risk your social standing)... hooking up with your friend's ex is a BAD idea.

2) Typically, the guy's not worth it: In my scenario... minute man. Yay. * roll eyes *

3) Sloppy seconds: Yuck. Enough said.

As tempting as it is ladies, it is best to just say NO (even if Mr Hotty Pants is super man-o-licious...).


Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

It is not only okay to pick up a friends ex. It is a duty. At least that way you are keeping it between friends and not being compared against some douchbag stranger.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just don't think it's ever a good idea. It would be asking for trouble.

5:21 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

I just have a problem going where my best friend has been. Just seems really gross to me.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I agree with Siren completely.

Great post from both sides!

8:14 PM  
Blogger Bruce said...

My membership card in the "Man Club" may be revoked for this, but just say no.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Haas said...

Great post from both sides...

I agree with the guy compleatly if you ask its ok, but you will rarely get a nod (if he was wearing her clothes around the house imagine what will happen if he sees her with Dear Friend.)

All in all asking also would be dangerous

10:09 PM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Gotta vote "NO" on this one....too much drama and really now, who needs it???

4:52 AM  
Blogger Femi-mommy said...

My best freind is marrying my ex. a few years ago there was a rash of everyone i know dating my ex's. i had no problem with it other than sitting at a table and knowing i've slept with half the people at it and watched steel magnolias with the other half.

i once dated the ex of someone i knew (not really "freinds" with, more "buds" or something) but she had moved half way across the country for awhile before sparks started to fly.

in the lefty case she talked to me when interested, i thought he was a great guy, just not my type, i was all for it. i think it's only a problem if the breakup is shitty or one of the parties acted psycho. a freindly "you're not for me" breakup can be moved on from rather quickly to whomever they wish.

4:53 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Another brilliant pairing. Phoenix, Siren: should consider you two for your matchmaking skills.

I love the fact that it was our Beauty, NOT our Beast, who came up with this doozy of a line: "our gender can be extremely hateful, catty, and bitchy."


Fortunately for us guys, your sex can also be sexy, horny, and utterly magnetic.


-- david

5:12 AM  
Blogger Big D said...

I can't imagine actually wanting to screw anyone that would date any of my friends.

5:49 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

I'm glad I'm not female with a flare for drama. And I'm glad there are no Golden Rules in testosterone land.

6:33 AM  
Blogger KC said...

I liked a bit of drama when I was much younger, but now I would just say "no". Many years ago, my sister's ex-husband kinda sorta asked me out. It was more of a "wanna meet for coffee" kind of come-on, but even that was just too weird for me. I said "no", of course. That's like incest or something.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

David - I agree...I couldn't believe how well the guests match up against each other. Lucky for this blog there are a lot of talented writers out there :)

7:05 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Great posts, I agree with siren though.Its better just to say no.

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't take credit for this, Pixie :) I'm the lemming following Nowhere Girl's lead!

10:01 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

One of my very good friends married my ex (they met at one of my parties!). It was years after we had broken up and I was thrilled for them (honestly, they were a much better match than we had been). But on a common sense level about dating the best friend's ex? I have to say 'no'.

6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is such a great blog! Personally, I would never date my friends ex, I did that once and still feel guilty.

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, gotta go Anonymous on this one...I once dated, then married one of my Mom's, one night stands! UGH! And she brought it up all the time! (I was like, 20 at the time) Needless to say, we divorced! Like we all couldn't see THAT coming. Anyway, now, if ANYONE I know has ever been anywhere near someone I might be remotely attracted to. NOWAY is my motto. Can't say I didn't learn the first time around...LOL

3:41 AM  
Blogger Ranea said...

I don't know about other women but, I wouldn't want to hook-up with a friends ex bc she's already bitched non-stop about his annoying habits, his scuzzy friends, and what a big moma's boy he is. Who needs that.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Funny stuff!
Aren't there enough fish in the sea so we don't have to overlap this way? I'd say steer clear!

6:24 PM  
Blogger peemil said...

Mates don't let mates screw their exes.

12:07 PM  
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