Beauties & Beaties

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Will U B Mine?

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a great time to ask: What is the ideal Valentine's Day? Does it involve the traditional flower, candy, and dinner? Is that really what women want? Is that really what men want? We asked Jamie Dawn and Mojotek to get to the "heart of the matter."

She Says: It's Valentine's Day, and she's awakened by the sound of her man's mammoth fart, followed by, "Now, THAT was a good one!" She has a card hidden in her dresser along with a new book that he mentioned he wanted awhile back.

"Happy Valentine's Day, honey," she says, as she hands them to him.

"Uh, I'll give you your gift tonight," he stammers, adding, "Why don't you order Dominos and rent one of those silly romances for us to watch?"


Think ahead, guys! If you can't think of something special to do for your lady, pretend you're a gay interior designer and then start planning. Think sparkle! Think passion! Think details! Women love to be pampered and spoiled. We long to be cherished and adored.

Tell her to dress fancy and be ready by six. A limo arrives and takes you both to a quiet, secluded restaurant. You touch the small of her back, her cheek, her hand, and you whisper in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are that she is your sweetheart.

Throughout dinner, you gaze into her eyes, but she catches you staring at her cleavage a couple of times. She likes it. As she sips champagne and savors chocolate mousse, you place a box on the table. She finds sparkly BLING, and she lights up & giggles all the way home. Has SHE got a present for you!

We all know what men want. After an evening like that, you’ll get it. Unless, of course, on the ride home you hear these dreaded words: “I can’t wait to get out of these clothes! I’m cramping so bad and flowing like a frickin’ river!” An extra tip: Make a lady feel cherished all the time, and your bed will get a regular workout, guaranteed… on non-frickin’ flowing river days, that is.

He Says: The Perfect Valentine’s Day… is there one? I don’t think I’ve ever had the experience of the perfect Valentine’s Day. So I’ll go ahead and give you an example of what NOT to do on such a special day, followed by what would really be an ideal one.

First, do NOT think that because your significant other says they understand how tight things have been with your pocket book lately that you can just get away with a card and a balloon that says “To Do List: You”. Secondly, no matter how tired you are from work, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fall asleep before making sweet sweet love with your girl, ESPECIALLY if she’s spent a ton of money on stripper shoes and naughty lingerie. And finally, if you happen to get caught in the first two embarrassing and highly lethal scenarios, do not, under any circumstances or fits of pride, argue that you were tired or broke. The idiot who loses his left gonad after pulling a few stunts like this didn’t really understand that he was playing with nitroglycerine, not a box of matches.

Now, let’s move on to more pleasant subjects, like MY perfect Valentine’s Day. I’m a pretty flexible guy, and I’m not too incredibly picky when it comes to pleasing me, but since we’re talking about the PERFECT Valentine’s Day, I’m going to go all out. There are a few stipulations to my perfect day that commemorates Saint Valentine, the Patron Saint of Humping.

The first being that we start the night off right with a little pre-drinking. Nothing says “I love you sweetie” like a couple of shots of Cuervo Gold before you go out. The next stipulation is dinner. We gots to be gettin’ our grub on if papa’s gonna be workin’ his pelvis of power later that evening. The most nutritious meal I can imagine is a 5 course feast at any number of Japanese restaurants. Start off light with some miso soup and a salad, followed by some fried oysters. Then move on to the more robust fare of sushi rolls and nigiri (eel, tuna, salmon, and crab should all get a nod), followed by some scrumptious shrimp tempura. Remember, don’t be stingy with the Saki, it’s a special night. Oh yeah, daddy’s having a great time so far.

Now for the entertainment. The most romantic venue I can come up with is Solid Platinum; the premiere high class gentlemen’s club this side of the Appalachians. You can both sit at an exclusive table and sip dirty martini’s while the winner of last month’s “Monster Mammary” contest struts her stuff on stage. This is where a little bit of planning comes in handy too. See, if your girl really loves you, she should have already been working this club for the last few weeks. Ideally, she already has a few friends that work there with ‘open minds’.

This is the part where she takes out her Visa and starts buying rounds for all of your new swingin’ friends. So, to cut a long story short, the end result should be some video footage that will make you ghetto-rich (well, at least as rich as anyone else who’s making a living off of homemade porn), strange women’s panties all over your bedroom, and a trip to the clinic to get tested for STD’s.

Oh yeah, and I think roses should end up in there somewhere too, but I’ll be damned if I can remember where.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great suggestions! I'm off to buy my
Valentine a book and a gift card to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

LOL. I love it... both posts have the same suggestions for the "ideal" ending in my mind, just the details are slightly skewed.

I have to agree with her, though, on the all-year-long nookie formula.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Big D said...

First off Valentine's not a real holiday. For the sake of the question Mojo is right, but I think he left one key ingrediant out. It's Day. Why start at night when your woman can give you a morning bj.

6:56 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

I think if guys wouldn't wake up blowing out "mammouth farts," there would be more morning bjs in this world.

7:14 PM  
Blogger phred said...

Whatever you do .... DON`T pull out the 2 for 1 coupon.

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Bruce said...

See, this is why I bowed out of doing this one. I have no idea what the perfect Valentine's Day is, having had two girlfriends in my life, and spending a grand total of one Valentine's Day with them. Both suggestions sound good, but what do I know?

8:31 PM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Good job guys. Since I gave Angry Joyce her Valentines Day Gift early. For the actual day I was thinking of just wrapping my Johnson in a bow. Wonder where I can get that gift wrapped?

8:47 PM  
Blogger CT said...


12:09 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Superb posts from both representatives of their sexes. With inspirations like these, how can this year's V-Day not be a success for all?

-- david

4:23 AM  
Anonymous tuabwench said...

I find it humorous that a Saint's deathday is celebrated with chocolate, jewels, flowers, and sex. On the other hand, St. Valentine is the patron saint of happy marriages, affianced couples, and epilepsy, among other things. One story has him performing weddings for Christian couples against the Roman emperor's wishes. St. Valentine was then beaten with clubs and beheaded, on February 14. I have never been particularly fond of this holiday with its cheesy cards in elementary school, followed by the middle/high school angst, followed by college "what now?"...followed by...followed by. I tell my hubby to skip the holiday. Like Beauty said, pampering throughout the year equals bed action throughout the year. and props to Mojotek for being his usual funny self!

4:26 AM  
Blogger Ranea said...

Mojo I think your dreaming about going to a strip club. Why don't You do alittle striptease for your lady and I bet she'll do one for You.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Mojotek said...

So I guess my little contribution wasn't that bad then... cool. But I think Jamie Dawn probably has the 'slightly' more realistic approach to the day, emphasis on slightly. :)

10:01 AM  
Blogger Crazy Dan said...

It seems both people are talking about the same thing.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Metal Mark said...

We're not doing anything special for Valentine's this year just because it's taking all of our combined efforts to take care of two kids under the age of two.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

The DAY is here!!!
Happy Valentine's Day to all!!

9:48 AM  
Blogger Ann Alsex said...

Happy Valentines Day and remember you have to give in order to receive. :D

4:38 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Mojo - workin' the pelvis of power?? LMAO!!!

I like your date idea - the dinner is totally perfect, and I've been known to take my honey to an adult nightclub and buy us both table dances.. but, he comes home alone with me ;-)

Yeah, I'm not your average housewife.. lol

6:26 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Wow, you have a excellent blog.

Happy Valentines to you!

9:30 PM  
Anonymous funny videos said...

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Happy Valentines to you!

1:13 PM  
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