Beauties & Beaties

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Your Cheatin' Heart

You notice that your signifcant other is acting differently, but can't really put your finger on it. Then it occurs to you: Is he/she cheating on me? What are the signs? Texas is representin' with Crazy Dan and Ann Alsex and their insightful posts on how to tell if your loved one is cheating:

He Says: So you think that crazy trick might be cheating on you. Never fear, I am a master of the female psychology and I can help you bust that slut quicker than you can say "daddy likes it doggy style".

First off, you have to know those bitches can be down right scandalous. She may think she is crafty and slick, but know that God gave you a penis for a reason, so use that to slap some sense in her. The best way to know if your little honey hole is cheating on you is how she is performing in the bedroom. Experimentation and all that is gravy, but if that famous anus up and changes her style completely, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If she used to be a nympho and now she is a catholic school girl reading femi-nazi crap, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If you're too whipped to realize this, the sure fire way to know is by how the pussy feels; if she used to be smoking tight and all of a sudden she is walking around like she has been with a really big man, cut the ego and realize she's getting it from someone else...probably me if she's walking around like that.

However, there are other signs you can read before this happens. Note that you must actually pay attention to your little jizz mouth to read these signs, not all of us has the patience for this. If your skank starts paying more attention to her physical appearance and style like starting a new diet and actually sticking to it, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Sure there is nothing wrong with your fist fucker trying to lose a few pounds but if you have been in a relationship for awhile and she has never really stuck to a diet and all of a sudden she is the second coming of Jenny Craig, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Any time a goo gobbler suddenly starts taking extra time with her appearance and it is not a special occasion, IT AIN'T RIGHT. So counter this by keeping lots of snack food around, remember chocolate is to fatties like kryptonite is to Superman.

The third easiest way to tell if the ankle grabber is cheating on is through technology. Cameras are cheaper and smaller then ever, by using a little strategery you can trick that ho. Place assorted cameras around the house then you don't have to pay attention to any signs or nothing just wait around and enjoy the amateur porn hour.

She Says: What an interesting piece to do after Valentines Day. But it seems oddly appropriate. There are many signs of a cheating loved one. Anything from the faint odor of a womans perfume on his clothes to odd cell phone calls that he leaves the room to take. But for me there are three definite signs that a lover is being unfaithful.

The third biggest sign is a marked decrease in sexual libido. If he is stepping out then he won't be stepping up. Face it, if he once attacked you when you were in flannel pjs and now he won't give you the time of day when you are in a slinky negligee then he is probably fishing in someone elses pond.

The second biggest sign is an increased sexual libido. Sometimes a lover will try to overcompensate for their indiscretions by wanting to make love more often than usual. Side by side with this sign is the arrival of new sexual techniques. If your lover has always been a meat and potatoes man and he shows up with Chicken Cordon Bleu and he hasn't been reading any cookbooks at the house then he is getting his recipes in someone elses kitchen.

The most obvious sign however is finding a pair of thongs in his glovebox and you do not even wear panties. This actually happened to me early in my marriage when I was young and naive. Pookie told me that they were his and he did not tell me because he was embarrassed about this fetish. I now know better but it is still funny and kind of sexy watching him parade around in womens panties.

Ta-Ta's for now.


Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

You Certainly put the Crazy in Crazy Dan on that one, cd.

Great job Ann!! Luv ya girl.

I think the most obvious sign is spotting a new tattoo on your significant other that has the Swan's Man's name on it.

4:54 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Thanks for cracking me up this morning, you two! LOL..

6:20 AM  
Anonymous Haas said...

LOL, Great Job from both sides :P

10:00 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

You took the words right outta my mouth, Fuzz.

I would say another sign your significant other is cheating - the phone ringing and quick hang ups. Isn't that how Michael Jackson's mother discovered her hubby was cheating on her?

10:19 AM  
Blogger Ranea said...

Love ya Ann, I'll now know what to watch for. Thanx

11:05 AM  
Blogger KC said...

Always forgetting his cell phone at home on the days when he's "working late" is a sign. Deciding to start a vigorous exercise program when he's never previously did more than lift the remote before is a sign. Never going to bed at the same time as you do is a sign. The list goes on and on.

11:12 AM  
Blogger phred said...

Another sign, (let this be a warning to all truck drivers).
You can clean out all the ashtrays, check under the mattress for earing backs, and spray manly fufu.

Be SURE to wipe the little footprints off the inside of the windshield !!!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

The way to make sure he's not whipping up new dishes in someone else's kitchen is to make sure you try some new recipes now & then, cook often, and don't YOU be eating out anywhere.

If you suspect he's cheating, hire a private detective.
If he IS cheating on you, hire a good hit man.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Big D said...

WHOOP THAT TRICK! Go on cheaters and then stab his ass that was a great a episode.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Good job, both of you! One of you a little more crazy than the other.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great job, you two! I'm with Jamie catch him cheating, it's time to give Uncle Vito a call.

8:22 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

LOL they were so funny to read * I pray it never happens to me! I would be finding a rusty blunt blade and be performing a bobbit !

9:52 AM  
Blogger MistaBone said...

Been there, caught her doing that...My advice???
well, watch for the obvious...if you come home & she's been "alone" and the toilet seat is up...or cigarettes around that aren't yours (or hers)...your condom stash runs out & you're not getting to use them...or her friends tell you to wake up, she's fucking around on you. all Really good signs. In the end...If she's gonna do it, she's gonna do it. No way you can stop it.
Why not make it a deal, quit the lying and open up the relationship? Could be fun...and it's the only way to ever know for sure...
Good job Ann.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Ann Alsex said...

Thanks everybody for the kind words. Crazy Dan was sooo phunny :D Thanks Siren and Phoenix for letting me play along!!! I enjoyed it. Ta-Ta's for Now.

7:35 PM  
Blogger WriteWingNut said...

I can say from experience that when you're married to your soul mate, and that person's cheating on you, you will know in your heart. You won't need evidence. You will just know.

1:06 PM  
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8:26 AM  

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