Beauties & Beaties

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Sting of Rejection

A person recently posted this question on a dating website:

"I'm mainly asking this for future reference. However, what is a nice way of telling someone you're not interested? I guess when we're adults, we should be able to handle it, but I still have a hard time with it. If I meet someone and they try to set-up another date right-away, but I'm not really interested, what should I say? Thanks."

Should she break out the "Maybe we can just be friends" line? Or perhaps, "I just got out of a relationship and I'm not ready to date". What advice would you give for this dating dilemma? What's the nicest way to "just say no"?

26 Comments:

Blogger David Amulet said...

Not a good idea to say "we can just be friends" unless you really enjoy that person's company, which probably isn't the case.

Honesty is the best policy here. Say, "Thanks for the coffee/dinner/whatever, but I'm not interested in going out again. Good luck!"

-- david

5:53 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I agree with David. The line, "I'm not really interested" is a good one.
If you're worried about hurting someone's feelings, start out with a compliment and then hit them with the 'interested' part.
It's crueler to let them think you're into them, when you're really not.

6:16 AM  
Blogger Green Eyes said...

I hate this part of dating! I was glad to be married so I didn't have to deal with this. Now, older and single again, it hasn't gotten any easier for me!

Great question, I err on the side of the truth.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Blonde Vigilante said...

I always just tell them that I'm not feeling the chemistry. And, while I think they are nice, I just don't feel like their is an oppurtunity for the relationship to go anywhere. Peace out...sucka!

7:56 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

I think that the 'maybe we should just be friends' line is a slap in the face.
There really is no nice way of saying "I'm not intrested". It's a tricky situation. But a person should let the other know that no romance will be developing after the first date. If they aren't upfront, the other may be lead along, which isn't fair.
There was only one time when I was bold enough to tell my date that I wasn't interested enough to get romantically involved with her. I was upfront enough to say that although I was initially attracted to her, which lead to my asking her out, that during the course of getting to know her, something changed, that she really wasn't what I was looking for. I got an earful and I thought I was going to get slappped. She then went on to point out all the flaws she had noticed during the course of dinner. I guess I deserved it, afterall I basically had told her that she wasn't good enough.
Bottom line is they have to be told.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Bruce said...

No one likes to hear that "it's not going to work out"(Lord knows, I've heard it enough), but if the chemistry just isn't there, it's best to deal with it ASAP.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Big D said...

I've got to go with the sage like advice of Homer Simpson on this one all it takes are two little words. "I'm gay."

9:06 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Its funny you should ask this, I was watching a show lastnight about 4 single women and it offeres them tips on "how to get the guy". Its then occurred to me I have never been on a date-ever! I have just sort of drifted into relationships.
So I would have no clue as to how to deal with this sort of situation.
I agree with Bruce though that it should be dealt with ASAP. Its not fair to string the other person along.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I agree with David. But getting the guts to say that is the hard part!

11:51 AM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

There is no nice way to say that you aren't interested. So if for some reason you can not go the brutal honesty route then do something that would cause them to want to flee. A guy could ask to borrow the girls underwear and confess to a devestating sexual addiction. If this doesn't chase her off then you might want to rethink being interested in her.

3:37 PM  
Blogger siren said...

Big D - While I usually live by the words of Homer Simpson, I'm afraid that if a woman told a man she was a lesbian, he'd not only be more intrigued, but he'd probably want to watch too :) D'oh!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

It's so hard to tell someone that you're not interested, but it's much better to be honest than to lie about it.

Otherwise, you'll wake up one morning wondering why, oh why, you didn't chew your arm off in the middle of the night to escape the horror....

4:21 AM  
Blogger Mojotek said...

I agree with Big D! If it works for Homer its gotta work for me!

Honestly, though... conveying "I'm not really interested" is the bottom line. Being tactful and cordial about it is really an art form. The better you are at social interaction, the better you'll be at letting the other person know what you mean without hruting their feelings too much.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

If you are a woman... just say to the guy, "I really want to settle down and have six kids."

You will never hear from him again.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I know I'm basically repeating what's been said, but be honest and just tell them that they seem like a great person, but that you're just net feeling it. Better to do it now then to drag it out a few dates.

7:23 PM  
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7:57 PM  
Blogger phred said...

'' I think I`ll pass'', don`t give an explaination.

5:45 AM  
Blogger Gabe said...

honestly no matter how you say it, rejection still hurts. so to save you from the stress of thinking of new ways to reject guys, i suggest you visit sites that will most likely introduce you to like-able guys. visit this cool site i've been going to called webdate dot com.

4:05 AM  
Blogger O Ceallaigh said...

There is, in my opinion, no right answer. Especially not in a pluralistic, "free" society where you can't count on a consistent code of social conduct, either to know what to say or, having said it, what to expect from the party of the second part. "Do your own thing" does have its costs.

Getting it right means knowing something pretty sophisticated about the other person - which is almost by definition lacking from a first date.

I agree with other posters that earliest is best, and also that KISS applies. Keep It Simple Simon. To the less-experienced out there, I would (you're not going to believe this, but I've seen this being done in several contexts) decide well beforehand on a short, polite, but definite "no" line, and practice it before a mirror. So you have it down in case you have to use it.

6:19 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Just say "no."

That's about as simple as it gets.

6:41 AM  
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10:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, gals, please listen-up! In this situation, whatever you do--don't dilly-dally around! Believe me, it hurts a man less if you simply tell him where he stands. Otherwise, you're just teasing him, thus causing more pain ("The road to hell is paved with good intentions.") If you won't tell him, straight-up--lie! Tell him you're really seeing someone else, but that you appreciate his offer.
Or do this (something I've done to women who were too clingy)--tell him something about you that will likely turn him off, for good. An example, I once met a 63-year-old, on a blind date (I was 39). When I saw how unattractive she was, I didn't know what to do. So I sat, and listened to her, considerately.
And soon she revealed how much of a right-wing extremist she was. There was my chance! I told her (and I was being honest) how much I despised the United States, opposed the Iraq war, opposed the creation and support of "Israel" (the Zionist State), etc., etc. She was boiling-mad, of course, and asked me to walk her to her car. I did so, and I never heard from her again!

Lie, turn us off with anything you can--but don't leave us wondering, getting our hopes up for a second date. I know you don't want to hurt our feelings--but dilly-dallying around is the surest way to hurt us--in fact, it is downright cruel!

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, gals, please listen-up! In this situation, whatever you do--don't dilly-dally around! Believe me, it hurts a man less if you simply tell him where he stands. Otherwise, you're just teasing him, thus causing more pain ("The road to hell is paved with good intentions.") If you won't tell him, straight-up--lie! Tell him you're really seeing someone else, but that you appreciate his offer.
Or do this (something I've done to women who were too clingy)--tell him something about you that will likely turn him off, for good. An example, I once met a 63-year-old, on a blind date (I was 39). When I saw how unattractive she was, I didn't know what to do. So I sat, and listened to her, considerately.
And soon she revealed how much of a right-wing extremist she was. There was my chance! I told her (and I was being honest) how much I despised the United States, opposed the Iraq war, opposed the creation and support of "Israel" (the Zionist State), etc., etc. She was boiling-mad, of course, and asked me to walk her to her car. I did so, and I never heard from her again!

Lie, turn us off with anything you can--but don't leave us wondering, getting our hopes up for a second date. I know you don't want to hurt our feelings--but dilly-dallying around is the surest way to hurt us--in fact, it is downright cruel!

11:29 PM  

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