Beauties & Beaties

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Tough Question

This is the weekly topic that gives everyone a chance to tell it like they see it. Your question for today: What do you feel would be the hardest thing about being a member of the opposite sex?

Monday, August 28, 2006

The More The Merrier?

Beauty vs. The Beast gets some new blood this week as two new guest authors to this blog, Michael from Smoke and Mirrors and Writer Chick, tackle this fundamentalist topic:

Recently a youth group comprised of various fundamentalist Mormon sects held a protest rally in Salt Lake City, Utah. The question for you: Polygamy - Big Love or Too much of a good thing.

Click here for a press release from Principle Voices, an on-line fundamentalist Mormon outreach program.

She said: I have to be honest, I have never given much thought to polygamy. And aside from the article I recently read, my last recollection of it was a Bonanza episode I saw when I was a kid - though I don’t remember how that one turned out either.

I’m going to say that it is Big Love for Papa and not enough of a good thing for Mama, and Mama and Mama and Mama. To me, it’s the same old story, "It’s not that I don’t love you baby, it’s just that I have needs." According to Mormon history, the whole idea was passed down by the prophet, William Smith. He had 30 wives, so he definitely had needs. I guess that in the 1800's it was easier to talk a women into this sort of thing because they had less access to the world and probably a much smaller dating pool. But in modern times, I’ve got to wonder what would make a woman buy into this. Is there some special water in Utah that gives them low self-esteem?

The burning question for me is: Why is it these family units always have one father but lots of moms? You never hear of a woman polygamist, do you? Nope, it’s always the man with many wives, not the woman with many husbands. Sounds like a glaring double standard to me.

I mean, if you’re trying to populate the planet because of universal holocaust, okay - I’d be willing to roll with it for a few generations. You’re taking one (or one hundred) for the team. But barring that, how much seed is one farmer entitled to sow? Also, how do they work things out? Do they whip out an excel spreadsheet and figure out who gets what time slot with the Man of the House? What about custody rights if the couple splits up? Do they get group discounts on health insurance? Is this why there are so many Smiths in the Salt Lake City phone book? Then there is the economical impact. How much viagra is this guy going to need in his golden years? Is Medicare going to be footing the bill? Do I want my tax dollars to pay for this?

I’m thinking it’s time to shift into modern times, stop being so greedy and go with the usual, one spouse at a time approach.

He said: Someone once said, "Polygamy is having one wife too many. And monogamy is the same thing." While I can't totally agree with the sentiment, I will go on record as saying that a scenario that sees me with 30 wives is just insane and impossibly difficult for me to comprehend. Actually, the thought makes me a wittle bit queasy.

I looked at this "big love/too much love" quandary and immediately decided to look at the physiological issues. Science has proven that women living together, cycle together.
And what does that mean? It means I would have no choice but to live in exile for three months out of the year. How could anyone be around that much hormonal angst?

I can handle one wife and three daughters; but 20? 25?! 30? Holy Freekin' Guacamole.

I can almost see my life played out on the big screen, filmed and directed by Stanley Kubrick. He seems to be the kind of director that's capable of filming a virtual emotional wasteland that would ultimately be my life. Don't get me wrong, I love women. But a guy has limits for God's sake.

I thought about the intimacy problems associated with multiple wives. Will someone please hand me my libido? I realize that polygamy isn't all about the sex but what the hell kind of regimen must one engage in to keep up with Mary…and Debra….and MaryKate…and Ashley...and SusieQ…and…who knows who else.

The blue-veined junket pumper only keeps the party going for so long, ya know? You eventually have to talk…to all of them. Ay Chihuahua.

Is polygamy big love or too much love?

IMHO, it's too much of just about everything. From hair products and clothes to make-up and the numerous impending mood swings. I'm not even going to touch the "shoe department". (My Shoes! No! My Shoes!)

There are many aspects of polygamy that I will never be able to accept nor understand.
But honestly, would I really want to?

(Honey, sorry I'm late…our anniversary was yesterday? I thought you liked it that way? Which one are you again? You again?)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Beast Is Back


Siren is taking a little blog vacation. I hope it is short. I, along with many others, will miss her wit and charm tremendously. Once again, The Beast will mind the store will the Beauty is away. Hopefully many Beauties and Beasties will come to my rescue and not allow me to trash this great site of Siren's.

If you have post ideas or wish to volunteer as a guest author. I would greatly appreciate your help.

Thanks in advance for all your help.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Relationships 101

You've all heard the statistics; depending on what magazine you read or what TV therapist is speaking, the number of people staying in long lasting relationships isn't so hot. So what's the secret to being in a successful relationship? What are the keys to keeping that man or woman in your life (if that's what you want). Since this is a very widely debated and hot topic, I had to get two of the blogosphere's resident experts on these matters to weigh in with their advice. So Fuzz and Ranea...take it away!

He Says: As much as I love doing guest posts over here on BvB, I was really worried when I got the question from Siren. But then I reread the question and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was mistaken. It wasn't keys to a happy marriage but to a long lasting one. (Just kidding Angry Joyce. Luv ya, mean it!) So now that I know the true question it is much simpler. Here are a few of my keys to having a lasting relationship:

1) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: It has been my experience that even more than men most women need and enjoy a feeling of control in a relationship. It is so easy for men to let their significant other think that they have control if they look at just how easy this is to accommidate and not try to make all decisions a battle of wills.

In all reality men do not give a care about too many subjects. As long as we get regular sex, something to eat, a cold beer in the fridge, and get to watch the game, then we are pretty much set. By not sweating the small stuff and letting her decide what color the walls are, which way the tv faces, and other meaningless things, it gives a man great leeway in getting to drink a cold beer, watch the game, eat a sandwich, and get a hummer at the same time.

2) P's and Q's: Most women apparently have short memories unless it is involved in fights, when they remember every wrong that they have ever suffered real or imaginary at your hands and will gladly list them for you. If you do not communicate that you love and appreciate them on a daily basis, then they feel that you either have fallen out of love with them or do not appreciate them. Men generally don't need this nearly as much. If you told me something in 1986, I would think that you still felt this way until you told me different. But this is no problem if men would just remember this; How hard is it to tell a person that you love them daily and to say thank you for things that are done for you? It is pretty much painless and goes a long way in keeping the divorce lawyers at bay.

3) Give A Little To Get A Little: This subject covers everything from oral sex to Friday Night Poker Games. Everything in life is a compromise. The oral sex question is no problem for me at all since I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body and suffering through a chick flik on Saturday Night is a small price to pay in order to watch the game in peace on Sunday.

In conclusion, with a little compromise and a little communication, you build a foundation for a lasting relationship. I might not be a Dr. Drew or a Dr. Phil. But I seriously doubt that either of them could go one round with being married to a woman named Angry Joyce.

She Says: Men, they say you can't live with them and you can't shoot them without being on an episode of Snapped. But this isn't wholly true, you can live with men if you just follow a few simple guidelines. With that being said, here are a few guidelines to having a lasting relationships.

Acceptance: Ladies learn to accept the fact that your man is a slob and without you they would probably still be living with his Neandrathal buddies in a pigsty of an apartment with beer can mountains and cheerleader calenders on the wall. Learn to accept the fact that if he manages to throw his dirty drawers somewhere in the vicinity of the clothes hamper then you have managed great strides in training him.


Stubborness: Since the very moment that your engagement was announced, bets were being made on the duration of your marraige. My brothers gave my last shot at marriage anywhere from six months to a maximum of two years. It has been eleven years and if I can keep stubbornly holding on another four then I will win the jackpot. So remember eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize.


Space: Ladies, you and I all know that the house is our space, and let's face it we don't want to look at their crap. But you have to give in a little bit. Give them the garage. It is the perfect place for their disgustingly stained couch and their twenty year old football trophies. If you play your cards right, they will feel that they have won because they got to keep their stuff.

To sum it all up, it isn't about the dress it is about the battle fatigues. A long lasting relationship isn't a game, it is a blood sport. And to the victor goes the spoils.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Language Barrier

In our politically correct world, it's somewhat taboo to label something as uniquely feminine or masculine. However, there is no escaping the fact that the way women and men speak can be leagues apart. For example, you would probably never hear a guy say "I think I'm retaining water". Admit it, you wouldn't.


It makes me wonder, what other words would you never hear a man dare speak in earnest because of their feminine overtones? On the other side, are there phrases that are so blatantly masculine that a woman merely uttering them drops their femininity down a notch?