Beauties & Beaties

Monday, August 28, 2006

The More The Merrier?

Beauty vs. The Beast gets some new blood this week as two new guest authors to this blog, Michael from Smoke and Mirrors and Writer Chick, tackle this fundamentalist topic:

Recently a youth group comprised of various fundamentalist Mormon sects held a protest rally in Salt Lake City, Utah. The question for you: Polygamy - Big Love or Too much of a good thing.

Click here for a press release from Principle Voices, an on-line fundamentalist Mormon outreach program.

She said: I have to be honest, I have never given much thought to polygamy. And aside from the article I recently read, my last recollection of it was a Bonanza episode I saw when I was a kid - though I don’t remember how that one turned out either.

I’m going to say that it is Big Love for Papa and not enough of a good thing for Mama, and Mama and Mama and Mama. To me, it’s the same old story, "It’s not that I don’t love you baby, it’s just that I have needs." According to Mormon history, the whole idea was passed down by the prophet, William Smith. He had 30 wives, so he definitely had needs. I guess that in the 1800's it was easier to talk a women into this sort of thing because they had less access to the world and probably a much smaller dating pool. But in modern times, I’ve got to wonder what would make a woman buy into this. Is there some special water in Utah that gives them low self-esteem?

The burning question for me is: Why is it these family units always have one father but lots of moms? You never hear of a woman polygamist, do you? Nope, it’s always the man with many wives, not the woman with many husbands. Sounds like a glaring double standard to me.

I mean, if you’re trying to populate the planet because of universal holocaust, okay - I’d be willing to roll with it for a few generations. You’re taking one (or one hundred) for the team. But barring that, how much seed is one farmer entitled to sow? Also, how do they work things out? Do they whip out an excel spreadsheet and figure out who gets what time slot with the Man of the House? What about custody rights if the couple splits up? Do they get group discounts on health insurance? Is this why there are so many Smiths in the Salt Lake City phone book? Then there is the economical impact. How much viagra is this guy going to need in his golden years? Is Medicare going to be footing the bill? Do I want my tax dollars to pay for this?

I’m thinking it’s time to shift into modern times, stop being so greedy and go with the usual, one spouse at a time approach.

He said: Someone once said, "Polygamy is having one wife too many. And monogamy is the same thing." While I can't totally agree with the sentiment, I will go on record as saying that a scenario that sees me with 30 wives is just insane and impossibly difficult for me to comprehend. Actually, the thought makes me a wittle bit queasy.

I looked at this "big love/too much love" quandary and immediately decided to look at the physiological issues. Science has proven that women living together, cycle together.
And what does that mean? It means I would have no choice but to live in exile for three months out of the year. How could anyone be around that much hormonal angst?

I can handle one wife and three daughters; but 20? 25?! 30? Holy Freekin' Guacamole.

I can almost see my life played out on the big screen, filmed and directed by Stanley Kubrick. He seems to be the kind of director that's capable of filming a virtual emotional wasteland that would ultimately be my life. Don't get me wrong, I love women. But a guy has limits for God's sake.

I thought about the intimacy problems associated with multiple wives. Will someone please hand me my libido? I realize that polygamy isn't all about the sex but what the hell kind of regimen must one engage in to keep up with Mary…and Debra….and MaryKate…and Ashley...and SusieQ…and…who knows who else.

The blue-veined junket pumper only keeps the party going for so long, ya know? You eventually have to talk…to all of them. Ay Chihuahua.

Is polygamy big love or too much love?

IMHO, it's too much of just about everything. From hair products and clothes to make-up and the numerous impending mood swings. I'm not even going to touch the "shoe department". (My Shoes! No! My Shoes!)

There are many aspects of polygamy that I will never be able to accept nor understand.
But honestly, would I really want to?

(Honey, sorry I'm late…our anniversary was yesterday? I thought you liked it that way? Which one are you again? You again?)


Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Great job by both of you. Thanks so much for coming up with this post on such short notice.

6:21 PM  
Blogger debambam said...

Great reading guys, but then again, I would expect nothing less!
Cheers, Kelly

3:50 AM  
Blogger debambam said...

Great reading guys, but then again, I would expect nothing less!
Cheers, Kelly

3:50 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Great reading guys, but then again, I would expect nothing less!
Cheers, david

4:33 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

(Sorry, Debambam, I couldn't resist.)

I'm pretty open on this. Whiel I can't imagine it myself, if it doesn't hurt anyone else other than those choosing to do it, why do we care?

-- david

4:34 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I agree David. If it doersn't effect you and your family it's none of your business. Sex with multiple women and have them all know about it is somewhat appealing, but remember, you also have all those women PMSing or beating you up about things at the same time! No thanks!

6:16 AM  
Blogger Crazy Dan said...

I am all for it. Mormons and Mininights(spelling?) they all get government help its amazing the money they get from the government. IT is smarter not to marry your partner then marring them because they get more money being single with 8 kids then they do being married with eight kids. TAX BREAKS like you would not believe. It is the ultimate government scam. I say give the tax payers a break and make having more then one wife legal.

9:13 AM  
Anonymous InterstellarLass said...

I really don't care how they choose to live their lives. If they think having five wives and twenty-five kids is going to make them happy, more power to them. But, I do have an issue with girls under 18 being 'married' off to older men. After they're 18, and if it's their own choice, then it's fine. And I guess that's the part that's hard to police.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Deborah said...

Good job on the articles, guys! Writer Chick, there must be something in the water out in Utah because the women are. . . well, I'll be nice.

Michael, excellent points about the menstral cycles, clothing, and the junket pumper (like that term). I can't even imagine what their food bill is like, assuming he can get all wives pregnant.

5:53 PM  
Blogger tsduff said...

Quite enjoyable reading your columns... thank you. You are both great!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Paige Burns said...

I think if you look beyond the whole, "needs" thing, their goal is also to populate their planet in the higher plane of the afterlife.

Um, yeah...

12:11 PM  
Blogger Ol' Lady said...

Polygamy....No thanks I'll leave the inbreading to others. I grew up in an area that had Mennonite and Moron..opps..Mormon communities, they stayed very much to themselves which was good. So much to themselves that within in communities all of them were related to each other by blood. Every couple of years they would 'trade' a male with an other community about 75 miles get new blood. Near everyone of them wore glasses and had the same beady eyes. I know this to be true because I had a good friend who was one of them, she got shunned very young (16) and had to leave the community. each his and let live away from me and my children please :)

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Writer Chick said...

Hey thanks everybody for reading. I had a lot of fun taking on the topic.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous pure evyl said...

You both ruled. I had never thought of polygamy but if I was forced to repopulate the Earth after some disaster befell the male population, I would certainly step up to the plate and take one for the team.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous starbender said...

luv'd it! hahaaa!

I have 2 agree with both of u on this one!

...just one thing WC--
I wouldn't want 2 have 2 deal with more than one husband! AUGH!!! :o

2:12 AM  
Anonymous michaelm said...

Thought I'd stop by and say thanks for reading as well.
This was a fun first venture for me here at BvsB.
And PureEvyl, I'd lean into the strikezone with 'ya...
Thanks again, all!


5:18 AM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

I'm with interstellarlass. the only issue I have is that it seems like a lot of the younger "wives" are underage...or barely legal. That just doesn't seem quite right to me.

But, this life is certainly not for me. I can barely handle my own mood swings. I can't imagine having to balance that with other women in the house!!

5:50 AM  
Anonymous mojotek said...

Threesomes sound good on paper, but there's is nothing that makes multiple wives sound good.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Michael and Annie--Extremely enjoyable post! Even though you both give a thumbs down to the subject, the different perspectives were worthwhile. (the "blue-veined junket pumper"--that's a keeper, Michael!) This is a very neat blog and you guys work well together!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, there are some Fourth World cultures in which polyandry (one wife has several husbands) is practiced. And a musical called "Paint Your Wagon" featured a relationship like this. Anyway, I'd love to have six wives--one for each day, except Sunday (when I'd rest). But this is impractical, because almost every man in the world would like to have more than one wife--and there aren't enough women to go around, for that! By the way, a Muslim man can have up to four wives--but few do, because only rich men can support that many!

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