Beauty vs The Beast

That's What I Hate About You

2006-09-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

After a bit of a gushy post last week, I decided to mix things up a little bit. The question for this week's topic is: What are three traits shared by a majority of the opposite sex that has a tendency to piss you off the most.

On such a charged topic, I needed two bloggers that weren't afraid to tell it like it is and not be afraid to color their speech. For the Beast, I bring you an old friend of mine from wordpress, the not quite ready for prime time, Pure Evyl. For the Beauty, I bring you the always opinionated, Dr. Pepper swilling, Yellowdog Granny.

Once again it's ladies first. So let 'er rip!!!

She said: Fuzz has asked me to do a post on three traits that men have in common that piss me off. I jumped at the chance...then I gave it some serious thought.....(first sign of trouble...... thinking) and you know what? I don't think I have the right to judge men..Why? I haven't had a relationship with a man in 21 years.. what the hell do I know about men...21 years ago the only thing about men that interested me was if he wanted to watch sports, drink beer and fuck afterwards.

Conversation wasn't a top priority. If I could out drink you and you could out fuck me...you were in...There were certain considerations that were important..you had to be a lefty(as in politics) and you had to be a Cowboy fan. No married men...had to be hygenic and have most or all of your teeth. I preferred non-smokers but as long as you didn't blow the smoke in my face or up my ass, I could deal with it.

Male chauvinist's usually weren't interested in me nor I them...They were the one's that if you told them no, they assumed you were a lesbian and would tell all their friends that you were a dyke and to not bother..Those were usually the ones that I would tell:"I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's pussy."...that tended to 'piss them off'and was sure to get my name written on the men's bathroom wall along side 'fucking dyke'...those kind of men do tend to piss me off...

And well, now that I have thought about it..men who talk to my breasts tend to piss me off too...They are usually the ones who continually keep 'accidentally' bumping my tits with their arm, elbow, chest, hand and face. These same men are the ones who think the bigger your tits the dumber you are..they don't seem to understand that you really can see them nudge your buddy, snicker and point at your tits and that you have picked up a long neck Lone Star and are fixing to give him an attitude adjustment up side his head.So maybe there are things about men that piss me off..

Men that assume because I am a woman I can't fix my own car, do my own repairs around the house and don't need them to pump my gas...When I taught my sons how to work on their cars, I also did the same with my daughter when she got her car..I told her we were going to learn how to change the oil, the tires and plugs.She whined...'but that's boys work'...I asked her:"Have you ever seen a man work on a car?"..she said 'yes.'..."At any time, while he was working on his car did he ever take out his dick and use it?"she said:"euwwwwww, that's gross mom, but no..I never did."..."well then, until you actually see a man whip out his dick and use it to take out a spark plug, anything a man can do ...you can do.You don't need a dick to change your oil."

So that pretty much are the things about men that piss me off...but if you're interested in watching some football and have some free time on your hands....come to West, Texas...I have such a deal for you.

He said: After deleting about about umpteen dozen things that women do that piss me off, I distilled it down to three main items.

Women just don't think right: Men think like Joe Friday. Give us the facts and we will sort out problems in a clear, concise, logical means. This idea is totally alien to most women. No they want to empathize, emotionalize, rationalize, and most of all think of how this relates to them on some psychic bullshit level.

This is why it is impossible to argue with a woman. They will ignore the facts of the argument and instead delve into your motivations and innermost feelings. Here is some news gals. We don't have motivations and psyches. If you want us to abandon an argument, then here is a better solution. Rather than delving into our innermost feelings, just flash us your tits. We will concede you the victory every single damn time.

Quit Moving My Shit: I don't know why but something about having a pair of tits makes every woman think that they are a fucking interior designer in quest of the perfect room. There is absolutely no damned reason to keep moving that ugly ass couch around the room like some warped game of 'bang your fucking shin on the coffee table again this week dumbass.'

I have come to the understanding that one of the main reasons that women move men's shit around after they move in, is purely defensive. If they make it so hard for you to find your shit, then you can't leave. It would take far too long to find all of your shit to make a clean getaway.

Dressing Like A Construction Worker's Wet Dream But Acting Like a Jr. High Virgin: Women if you go out wearing a pair of pants that are so damned tight that you must think that I am deaf because I can read your damned lips and a low cut top and a push up bra that causes your tits to defy the law of gravity, then for Christ's sake don't act like a fucking vestal virgin when some poor shmuck stares at your tits.

Stick a tit in my face and I am going to give it a good look every damn time. Hell, stick it out there for a little bit and I might do more than fucking look. Same goes for an ass or any other female body part and if you are over the age of 25 and wearing a midriff shirt with a belly button ring then don't blame me for thinking that you remind me of nine out of ten porn actresses. If you don't like it then cover your shit up with a burkha or a barrel or God forbid some sensible fucking clothes.

You Can Leave Your Hat On

2006-09-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today on BvB, I wished to expand myself a bit. I have many erotic writers on my blogroll. I truly enjoy reading their works but have never posted under my own name anything of an erotic nature. Therfore, I enlisted the sexy and erotic, Green Eyes, to help me tackle this question: What can a potential lover do or say to drive you mad with passion while keeping both of your clothes on.

Greeneyes: To answer the question, I need to know a few things: What kind of mood am I in? Where are we? What am I wearing? And, most importantly, did I remember to shave my legs? Hey, a girl's got to look and feel her best in order to let herself be driven crazy with passion!

Seriously though, let's be honest here. If you're a potential lover of mine, I want you. I'm not going to wait around for you to make the first move. However, a whispered, "Damn, I want you," said huskily in my ear in between hot kisses and roaming hands, preferably while he has me pressed against a wall,(sorry, too much? lol), is guaranteed to make me crazy. I'm a girl who uses the least amount of words to get my point across, so that's what I like from others. Tell me what you want. Tell me you want me, the dirtier you say it, the better. Telling me I'm beautiful is not going to make me crazy with passion, it's only going to make me laugh. So, stay clear of the sappy compliments. You can save them for that romantic dinner or walk on the beach. Make is short and sweet, with some mud thrown in, and we won't be wearing clothes for long!

Fuzz: How does a woman do it? With but a mere glance, with the most subtle of whispered invitations, with the softest of touches, a woman can bring the strongest of men to their knees. Some women have mastered this delicate art while some are born with this power and never even realize that they have it. It is not about looks. It is that certain animal magnetism. It is a return to a bygone age when humans were wild ferile beings.

With but a mere glance from across a room, a women has the power to beguile and bewitch. I have heard it said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Nothing is so rapturous or so tempting as to peer into those windows and witness silhouetted against a woman's soul, her body arched in ecstasy awaiting that sweet release with a whispered promise that only you can fulfill her desires.

When a man needs to be heard, most of the time his voice is raised. When a woman wishes to be heard, she needs only whisper. There is no sound more seductive or sublime than a husky promising whisper. It is a sound that almost begs to be released until it can be brought to a full primal release of ecstasy.

There is nothing quite like the soft and tender touch of a woman. The delicate feel of fingertips across the back of a hand, the running of fingers through the hair and trailing down the neck, the soft brush of bodies together that hints of a time soon to come when two bodies become intertwined into one in passion.

I have heard the old saying that goes, 'The worst sex that I have ever had wasn't half bad. But in order for it to achieve passion. It starts with a look, a whisper, and a soft tender touch. Then it can be so much more. It can be ecstasy.

BvB At The Movies

2006-09-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today on BvB, The Beauty and the Beast look at good and bad relationships in the movies. The lovely and talented Laurie from Stranded In Suburbia and the Wild Man of the Web, Metal Mark from Heavy Metal Time Machine give their views to the question, ' What do you think are the best examples of a good and a bad relationship on film.'

She said: When Fuzz presented me with the topic for my second appearance here at BvB, I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. The topic, "Examples of good relationships and bad relationships in movies" stumped me. Why? Well my first thought was that unlike most of my girlfriends, I hate hate HATE those so-called "chick-flicks", so the "usual" female viewpoint on movies doesn’t apply to me. Then, I thought that while there are plenty of examples of bad relationships in movies, there aren’t many "good" examples. Because you see, I think the "good" examples are actually too good to be true. For instance, the example presented in the film "Pretty Woman": Street ho meets very rich john who falls in love with her after paying for her "services", and then sweeps her off her feet in the end to live happily ever after. As if. That movie caused many a ho to wrongly believe that her knight in shining armor was just another $50 hummer away.

My favorite example of a good relationship would be the one between that beauty, Fay Wray, and her beast, the one and only King Kong. Yeah, he kidnapped her, carried her along as he smashed his way through New York City, and then climbed to the top of the Empire State Building with her in his grasp – but – he loved her unconditionally as only a big monkey can, and he died for her in the end. Pass the tissue, would ya?

"Walk the Line", a movie based on reality, told the amazing love story of the man in black, Johnny Cash, and his beloved June Carter. Though stormy at times, their relationship was solid, and their love for each other lasted until death did they part.

Bad relationship examples are, like I said, much easier to come up with when thinking about the movies. The best bad example by far, at least in my opinion, is the relationship between Glenn Close and Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction". Also known as the married man’s worst nightmare, I think Glenn’s performance as a post-bootycall crazed psycho-stalker kept a lot of guys from cheating for a while after seeing this movie - at least for a week or so, anyway.
Another bad relationship was the one between Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson in "Indecent Proposal". Desperate for money, Woody decides to let a millionaire bag his wife for a cool million bucks. Predictably, his wife falls for the millionaire’s big hard wallet and leaves her husband. The lesson here is that money can buy love… or something.

Don’t forget about the good old fashioned porn flick, either. Now, there may be some debate on whether they set a good example or a bad example for relationships, but I think it’s all in how you look at it. If you think that pornos are "degrading" to women, well, then you’ll say "bad example". However, if you are like me and think that there is nothing wrong with a no-strings attached, purely physical, just-for-fun bootycall between two consenting adults – well, then you’d say "good example".

Anyway, those are my thoughts… what are yours?

Beauty signing off

He Said: What is the best and worst examples of a relationship that you have seen in a movie and why?

Okay, so I had to come up with the best and worst examples of a relationship from the movies. I watch a lot of sci-fi and horror films so those are where my examples came from. At first I thought that the worst relationship was Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his girlfriend Linda from the excellent Evil Dead 2 because he killed her because the Book of the dead had taken her over and then her possessed corpse tried to kill him. However that doesn’t really count because she was technically possessed rather than thinking with her own free mind. So the real worst example of a relationship in a movie is between Sidney (Neve Campbell) and Billy (Skeet Ulrich) in Scream. Sidney had been through a lot with her mother’s death and she thought she had a strong relationship with Billy. However, it turned the relationship wasn’t real on Billy’s part because:

*spoiler alert* (although I can’t imagine that you have not seen this film)

Billy had killed Sidney’s mom with his partner, killed her best friend, beat up her father and they planned to frame him for multiple murders. Then they tried to kill Sidney and they inspired killers in two less than adequate sequels. Hey, you just don’t do that in a relationship, it’s just not right. However Billy got his and Sidney made it through the trilogy. This was an example of a relationship that involved lies, deceit and well, all the bad stuff I listed above.

The best was more difficult to come up with.

The best relationship actually takes place over several movies and it’s Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) from the first three Star Wars movies or the Episodes 4-6 if you go by that. They bicker in the first film, but you tall they like each and they do come from different backgrounds. They bicker more in the second film, but you can see them drawing closer a bit in Empire. Then poor Han gets frozen and you can tell Leia is upset, but probably not as upset as Han because he was you know...frozen. When Han is back to normal in Jedi then you can see their relationship start to get stronger and you can tell that it will be strong. I mean they went through numerous battles, getting shot at, Han got frozen, Leia had to wear that outfit at the beginning of the third film and they had to put up Billy Dee Williams “acting abilities”. Yet they became closer through all of that so you just know they will be together forever or until one of them gets knocked off in a battle against the Empire.

Changes

2006-09-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

In light of the observance of the fifth anniversary of 9/11, the regular BvB post will be postponed until Wednesday. Today I ask the question, 'What changes did this tragic day bring to your life?'

Served In Fine Crystal Or An Aluminum Can?

2006-09-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

This week, Beauty vs. The Beast pits Sugar Daddy Vs Ol' Lady answering the burning question for recently married folk. ' After a few years is married sex like fine wine growing better with age or is it like an opened beer left over sitting on the coffee table getting flat.'

He Said: Fine wine, stale beer and married sex: Now there is a combination of which I am most familiar. Let me explain. The first sex I knew was married sex. In my town each high school had one of "those" girls but I guess I was buried too deeply in the alphabet and Miss Montabank's School for Wayward Girls got to her before I did. I drink beer and wine almost exclusively. I have had everything from Dom to Ripple on the wine meter and from fine German bier to Milwaukee's Best Light on the other. Therefore I think I know about all three elements here.

Married sex has different stages which all reflect life events. Newlyweds go at it with a vengeance (up to a point: "you want me to do WHAT?"). Kid planning means you get some when the thermometer says so ("Honey we have to leave NOW and do it. I will of course need to lie on my back with my legs in the air for 15 minutes afterwards". Funny, that is the only way you will get into that position.). Post kids sex gets verrrrrryyyyyy quiet (lights out, under covers, man on top, get it over quick). Empty nest sex is "well there's nothing on TV after 9 on Wednesday" (but lights out, under covers, man on top, get it over quick, and you want me to do WHAT?).

In a perfect world we would grow together, pass through our life stages together, and end at the point where everything is still new and exciting even though we have walked down that path together for years. How many sunrises/sunsets on the beach have we seen yet every one is different and special in its own way? I've read Cosmo. I know the secrets for "keeping your sex life new and exciting". But come on here, is this based in reality? I don't think so. After a few years we all bring different expectations and other things to the table. We want the sex after 35 + years to be just as exciting as it was on the honeymoon (well in my case it sucked cause we didn't really have a clue). But it just isn't so. Try to "explore new territory" (you want me to do WHAT?) and you will find yourselves in the "It works best this way, you do this, I will do that (but not THAT), and our weekly/monthly/semi-annually/etc obligation will be fulfilled.

Married sex should be like fine wine getting better as it gets older. However, if fine wine is exposed to the wrong environment for just an hour it will turn to vinegar. Marriage in and of itself could be that wrong environment. Stale beer is stale beer no matter how you cut it. It can cut your thirst and it is a lot better than vinegar.
Now if I ever get to try Unmarried sex………………………

She Said:Married Sex after a few years: Like fine wine getting better with age or like a beer left on the coffee table going flat?I had to read the question a few times (no I’m not blond, but yes I am female). Hummmm…I did not realize that after being married for a few years that people still had sex, so this question is a bit of a puzzle for me. Just kidding…actually we had sex recently….oh, never mind he wasn’t there I was alone….does that still count?

After being with Ol Man for so long I do know what he likes and he knows what I like. So maybe the fine wine is what we are. But then again…maybe flat beer. I’ll just list a few ideas for both, because I think it really depends on ones mood and time of day.

Like fine wine because…..
- you pay extra for fine wine, and god knows you pay and pay and pay in a long standing marriage.
- you can get excited just at the thought of a nice glass of fine wine, just thinking about a nice evening together can get one excited
- when you have fine wine you savour the flavour, when sex is just right you savour the moment
- when you think of the fine wine from 2 days ago it makes you feel good and crave more, when thinking about the warm loving sex from 2 days ago you get a warm fuzzy (not to be confused with fuzzbox unless you’re Angry Joyce) and want to be with your lover again.

Like flat beer because….
- you know it’s been there all night going flat, and with our spouses we know that they have been here along time also and going flat? or fat? you decide.
- you know you want it cause there is no more in the house, you know you still want sex but really at this point in life...is there more out there?
- even though you know it will be not so good going down the end result will be o.k., some days you know the sex won’t be so good but hopefully the end result will be o.k. and even if it’s not you now know how to do it for yourself so really the end result will be o.k.
- it may be warm and smelly but what the hell drink it anyways it’s better than nothing.

The Tough Question

2006-08-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

This is the weekly topic that gives everyone a chance to tell it like they see it. Your question for today: What do you feel would be the hardest thing about being a member of the opposite sex?

The More The Merrier?

2006-08-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

Beauty vs. The Beast gets some new blood this week as two new guest authors to this blog, Michael from Smoke and Mirrors and Writer Chick, tackle this fundamentalist topic:

Recently a youth group comprised of various fundamentalist Mormon sects held a protest rally in Salt Lake City, Utah. The question for you: Polygamy - Big Love or Too much of a good thing.

Click here for a press release from Principle Voices, an on-line fundamentalist Mormon outreach program.

She said: I have to be honest, I have never given much thought to polygamy. And aside from the article I recently read, my last recollection of it was a Bonanza episode I saw when I was a kid - though I don’t remember how that one turned out either.

I’m going to say that it is Big Love for Papa and not enough of a good thing for Mama, and Mama and Mama and Mama. To me, it’s the same old story, "It’s not that I don’t love you baby, it’s just that I have needs." According to Mormon history, the whole idea was passed down by the prophet, William Smith. He had 30 wives, so he definitely had needs. I guess that in the 1800's it was easier to talk a women into this sort of thing because they had less access to the world and probably a much smaller dating pool. But in modern times, I’ve got to wonder what would make a woman buy into this. Is there some special water in Utah that gives them low self-esteem?

The burning question for me is: Why is it these family units always have one father but lots of moms? You never hear of a woman polygamist, do you? Nope, it’s always the man with many wives, not the woman with many husbands. Sounds like a glaring double standard to me.

I mean, if you’re trying to populate the planet because of universal holocaust, okay - I’d be willing to roll with it for a few generations. You’re taking one (or one hundred) for the team. But barring that, how much seed is one farmer entitled to sow? Also, how do they work things out? Do they whip out an excel spreadsheet and figure out who gets what time slot with the Man of the House? What about custody rights if the couple splits up? Do they get group discounts on health insurance? Is this why there are so many Smiths in the Salt Lake City phone book? Then there is the economical impact. How much viagra is this guy going to need in his golden years? Is Medicare going to be footing the bill? Do I want my tax dollars to pay for this?

I’m thinking it’s time to shift into modern times, stop being so greedy and go with the usual, one spouse at a time approach.

He said: Someone once said, "Polygamy is having one wife too many. And monogamy is the same thing." While I can't totally agree with the sentiment, I will go on record as saying that a scenario that sees me with 30 wives is just insane and impossibly difficult for me to comprehend. Actually, the thought makes me a wittle bit queasy.

I looked at this "big love/too much love" quandary and immediately decided to look at the physiological issues. Science has proven that women living together, cycle together.
And what does that mean? It means I would have no choice but to live in exile for three months out of the year. How could anyone be around that much hormonal angst?

I can handle one wife and three daughters; but 20? 25?! 30? Holy Freekin' Guacamole.

I can almost see my life played out on the big screen, filmed and directed by Stanley Kubrick. He seems to be the kind of director that's capable of filming a virtual emotional wasteland that would ultimately be my life. Don't get me wrong, I love women. But a guy has limits for God's sake.

I thought about the intimacy problems associated with multiple wives. Will someone please hand me my libido? I realize that polygamy isn't all about the sex but what the hell kind of regimen must one engage in to keep up with Mary…and Debra….and MaryKate…and Ashley...and SusieQ…and…who knows who else.

The blue-veined junket pumper only keeps the party going for so long, ya know? You eventually have to talk…to all of them. Ay Chihuahua.

Is polygamy big love or too much love?

IMHO, it's too much of just about everything. From hair products and clothes to make-up and the numerous impending mood swings. I'm not even going to touch the "shoe department". (My Shoes! No! My Shoes!)

There are many aspects of polygamy that I will never be able to accept nor understand.
But honestly, would I really want to?

(Honey, sorry I'm late…our anniversary was yesterday? I thought you liked it that way? Which one are you again? You again?)

The Beast Is Back

2006-08-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Siren is taking a little blog vacation. I hope it is short. I, along with many others, will miss her wit and charm tremendously. Once again, The Beast will mind the store will the Beauty is away. Hopefully many Beauties and Beasties will come to my rescue and not allow me to trash this great site of Siren's.

If you have post ideas or wish to volunteer as a guest author. I would greatly appreciate your help.

Thanks in advance for all your help.

Relationships 101

2006-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

You've all heard the statistics; depending on what magazine you read or what TV therapist is speaking, the number of people staying in long lasting relationships isn't so hot. So what's the secret to being in a successful relationship? What are the keys to keeping that man or woman in your life (if that's what you want). Since this is a very widely debated and hot topic, I had to get two of the blogosphere's resident experts on these matters to weigh in with their advice. So Fuzz and Ranea...take it away!

He Says: As much as I love doing guest posts over here on BvB, I was really worried when I got the question from Siren. But then I reread the question and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was mistaken. It wasn't keys to a happy marriage but to a long lasting one. (Just kidding Angry Joyce. Luv ya, mean it!) So now that I know the true question it is much simpler. Here are a few of my keys to having a lasting relationship:

1) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: It has been my experience that even more than men most women need and enjoy a feeling of control in a relationship. It is so easy for men to let their significant other think that they have control if they look at just how easy this is to accommidate and not try to make all decisions a battle of wills.

In all reality men do not give a care about too many subjects. As long as we get regular sex, something to eat, a cold beer in the fridge, and get to watch the game, then we are pretty much set. By not sweating the small stuff and letting her decide what color the walls are, which way the tv faces, and other meaningless things, it gives a man great leeway in getting to drink a cold beer, watch the game, eat a sandwich, and get a hummer at the same time.

2) P's and Q's: Most women apparently have short memories unless it is involved in fights, when they remember every wrong that they have ever suffered real or imaginary at your hands and will gladly list them for you. If you do not communicate that you love and appreciate them on a daily basis, then they feel that you either have fallen out of love with them or do not appreciate them. Men generally don't need this nearly as much. If you told me something in 1986, I would think that you still felt this way until you told me different. But this is no problem if men would just remember this; How hard is it to tell a person that you love them daily and to say thank you for things that are done for you? It is pretty much painless and goes a long way in keeping the divorce lawyers at bay.

3) Give A Little To Get A Little: This subject covers everything from oral sex to Friday Night Poker Games. Everything in life is a compromise. The oral sex question is no problem for me at all since I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body and suffering through a chick flik on Saturday Night is a small price to pay in order to watch the game in peace on Sunday.

In conclusion, with a little compromise and a little communication, you build a foundation for a lasting relationship. I might not be a Dr. Drew or a Dr. Phil. But I seriously doubt that either of them could go one round with being married to a woman named Angry Joyce.

She Says: Men, they say you can't live with them and you can't shoot them without being on an episode of Snapped. But this isn't wholly true, you can live with men if you just follow a few simple guidelines. With that being said, here are a few guidelines to having a lasting relationships.

Acceptance: Ladies learn to accept the fact that your man is a slob and without you they would probably still be living with his Neandrathal buddies in a pigsty of an apartment with beer can mountains and cheerleader calenders on the wall. Learn to accept the fact that if he manages to throw his dirty drawers somewhere in the vicinity of the clothes hamper then you have managed great strides in training him.

Stubborness: Since the very moment that your engagement was announced, bets were being made on the duration of your marraige. My brothers gave my last shot at marriage anywhere from six months to a maximum of two years. It has been eleven years and if I can keep stubbornly holding on another four then I will win the jackpot. So remember eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize.

Space: Ladies, you and I all know that the house is our space, and let's face it we don't want to look at their crap. But you have to give in a little bit. Give them the garage. It is the perfect place for their disgustingly stained couch and their twenty year old football trophies. If you play your cards right, they will feel that they have won because they got to keep their stuff.

To sum it all up, it isn't about the dress it is about the battle fatigues. A long lasting relationship isn't a game, it is a blood sport. And to the victor goes the spoils.

Language Barrier

2006-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

In our politically correct world, it's somewhat taboo to label something as uniquely feminine or masculine. However, there is no escaping the fact that the way women and men speak can be leagues apart. For example, you would probably never hear a guy say "I think I'm retaining water". Admit it, you wouldn't.

It makes me wonder, what other words would you never hear a man dare speak in earnest because of their feminine overtones? On the other side, are there phrases that are so blatantly masculine that a woman merely uttering them drops their femininity down a notch?

Chivalry...A Thing of the Past?

2006-07-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

Chivalry is dead. We hear that all of the time. But what does that mean? Is it used as an excuse for poor manners, or do women actually lament the traditions and standards of days gone by? Are men less chivalrous these days or women more callous? The question was posed to fellow bloggers extraordinaire Curare_Z and The Phoenix: Is chivalry really dead and is it even welcome in today's society?

Ladies first...

She Says: The cliché is that every little girl dreams about a knight in shining armor arriving to take her away from the evils of her life to live in harmony and peace until the end of her days. From personal experience, I think most women would be perfectly happy if a man would arrive at her front door that bathed regularly and could hold a conversation beyond the phrase, “you fer shure do smell perty.”

But does that mean that chivalry is dead? Does this seemingly cavalier and callous woman even want a chivalrous man? Chivalry is alive and well – it’s just, well, evolved. It’s not dead, it just doesn’t mean what it used to mean.

The term “chivalry” is truly a reference to the medieval institution of knighthood. In the Middle Ages, chivalry meant a lot more than opening doors for women and throwing your coat over a puddle of water so her dainty feet wouldn’t get dirty. It has evolved over the centuries from a code for how an idealized man should act in all situations, to merely courteous behavior. I can honestly say that on a daily basis the men in my office open doors for me and allow me to enter and exit the elevator first. This is all courteous behavior. And I love it.

That being said, the evolution of chivalry, at least in my own life, has meant that I should not consider myself above it. If I am walking ahead of a man, I don’t wait for him to pull the door open for me. I open the door and hold it open for him. This usually results in a number of looks ranging from “thanks” to “you sure don’t look butch” to (my personal favorite) “f^$%ing bi&$# is trying to emasculate me.” Whatever.

There is a certain subset of women, let’s call them “crazies,” who interpret a man’s courteous behavior to mean he is demeaning her in some way. These “crazies” see a man opening a door for her to mean he thinks she’s too weak to do so herself. These “crazies” see a man gesturing for a woman to enter the elevator first to mean that he MUST want to stare at her ass.

My response to these “crazies” is: GROW UP. If someone is being nice to you, consider *GASP* being nice back. A simple thank you doesn’t make you weak; it makes you not so much of a bitch. And for you men that encounter these women: please don’t give up being friendly. People (both men and women) will appreciate your good manners. For you women that are considering or living the chivalrous, I say: Edmund Burke was full of shit when he said, “…chivalry is gone…”
Chivalry has just evolved, as we all should.

He Says: Is chivalry dead? My answer is a resounding "yup." It's dead.

Dead as a doornail.

Sure, you catch glances of chivalry here and there. But in modern Western Society, it's pretty much about as in style as argyle socks. The question is, why?

Easy. Women are to blame.

The new woman wants to not only bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, but do it without the assistance from men. It has seeped from the workforce, to the homestead, and down to even the everyday things like opening a door for a lady.

Not all women feel this way. In fact, it seems most women do like to be treated like a lady most often. The problem is that we men have received mixed signals. And we're therefore confused as hell. So guess what. We quit. I'm not playing the big guessing game anymore. Should I now open the door for you? Should I now pay for dinner? Do I offer you my coat?

Too often, women have told us "no." They remind us they are quite able to open their own damn doors. They have jobs and don't need us to pay for dinner anymore. And finally, we need to stop treating them like the "fairer sex" by thinking we're protecting them from the cold January wind by offering our coats. And then two days later, like a homicidal viking, you let slip the dogs of war on us for not offering to open the door for you.

Chivalry is dead, and you women out there have no one to blame but yourselves. The liberated woman has liberated herself from depending on men financially and emotionally. And unfortunately, your contradictory messages have left us simply confused and letting you get your own door.

If you ladies are still waiting for Prince Charming, you'd either better make do with a frog or hope your Fairy Godmother comes along real soon.

The Sting of Rejection

2006-06-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

A person recently posted this question on a dating website:

"I'm mainly asking this for future reference. However, what is a nice way of telling someone you're not interested? I guess when we're adults, we should be able to handle it, but I still have a hard time with it. If I meet someone and they try to set-up another date right-away, but I'm not really interested, what should I say? Thanks."

Should she break out the "Maybe we can just be friends" line? Or perhaps, "I just got out of a relationship and I'm not ready to date". What advice would you give for this dating dilemma? What's the nicest way to "just say no"?

The Numbers Don't Lie...Or Maybe They Do?

2006-06-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

There comes that time in every relationship where the dreaded question might be asked. I don't mean a proposal or asking your significant other if your butt looks big in those pants. I mean, the "how many before me" question. We posed this question to fellow bloggers Big D and Vic, and here is their take on whether it's OK to ask the question of your significant other, and if asked, should you lie about it?

She Says: In this day and age I think its very important to be upfront and honest with your significant other about your sexual history. I mean, getting knocked up isn't the worst thing that can happen you know. You can get things penicillin won't cure. And so, you should be very honest no matter what the cost. If you really love this person, there should be no secrets.

There's nothing quite like the truth to strengthen a relationship after all. I assume you wonder how this conversation went with Hubby and me. Ok, here goes…..are you freakin' kidding me? We haven't had that talk. EVER! He hasn't asked and I ain't volunteered – and we've been married 15 years. Uh huh. I'm a chic in the deep south. It's well documented that I was a whore in high school, but I wore white on my wedding day and by God, that means something. Means I am never telling. My non-virgin lips are sealed!

I don't care who Hubby's done and would lie if he asked me. I think a man appreciates a woman that has experience, but denies it. I'm sticking to that.

And ladies if you happen to ever get backed into that corner, my advice is simple…lie like me…just like you did with all those other callers. Don't get me wrong, you can't say you're a virgin if you're not. What you should do is keep it to a number under 5. Make sure all your fellas fit on one hand of counting and quickly throw in that you saved the best for last and oh by the way, he has the biggest, best package and no matter what no one will ever compare, ever. Course after him you would never want to do anyone else. Yes, you'd settle for a life of celibacy if you had to give up bending over for him. That will do it. And if it doesn't, then throw in a few tears about how you regret all the others and wish you'd "saved yourself" for him.

Oh, and just for the record, I'm just talking trash. All of mine will fit on one hand and the last one was the best and all that. Really. And, please be safe. There really are things penicillin won't cure. You can't be too safe.

He Says: The topic is, "the question"...the one about how many others there have been before your current significant other. First, is it OK to ask that question and Secondly, if it is asked should you lie about it?

I think this question is: How many women or men have you fucked before me? It is OK to ask this question, but it really shouldn't matter. It shouldn't make any difference by now if they're your significant other already you've already slept with them. Get over it. However, if you decide to ask this question be prepared for the truth. When answering this question I don't really see the point in lying. Sure it's easier., but don't be a lazy fucking prick or bitch tell them the truth. They deserves the truth. If they weren't prepared for it, then they shouldn't have asked. I don't want to hurt them, a little lie won't matter. I don't care if you've fucked half the population of Vegas as a former sex worker. You made that choice, it is a part of you. Your partner deserves the truth. If they can't accept whatever answer you give then they are not worth it anyway. If you asked and can't accept your partners answer you need to get over yourself and be prepared to go fuck yourself. That's exactly what you're going to be doing.

However saying all that, if you have:

Never slept with anyone.
Slept with an entire sport team.
Done a gang bang with over 20 people.
Been a prostitute

Tell you BF/GF before you sleep with them. It's only considerate and safe.
I don't sugar coat shit, that's just the way it is.

A Family Affair

2006-05-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

Recently, an unmarried couple (with children) in the St. Louis area made national news when the city they lived in refused to grant them an occupancy permit. Why? Because the couple did not qualify under a city ordinance that defines "family".

The ordinance says, in effect, that Olivia Sheltrack and Fondrey Loving, and their three children, should not be living together in the same house because the two are not married. (Source: KSDK)

The couple took the issue to the city council, who upheld the ordinance by a 5-3 vote.

The question is: Should this unmarried couple with children be less entilted to the same rights extended to those in a "traditional" family. I'll try do my best as Bruce weighs in with his Beastly debut!

He Says: The issue before us, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is whether or not unmarried couples have fewer rights than married couples. The simple answer is yes; whether it's right or wrong is the real question here. Even common-law marriages come out on the short end of the stick; only nine states, and the District of Columbia, recognize common-law marriages, and four others have some sort of limited statute.

The town of Black Jack, Missouri says it's occupancy statute is on the books to help alleviate "overcrowding" in single family homes. Bullshit. The statute is there to legislate their own morality on the residents of Black Jack, and they're not the only ones playing Big Brother these days. Couples "living in sin" are often looked at as degenerates and undeserving of the same rights as legally married couples. Does a piece of paper really mean that much? Should it?
Personally, I don't think so, but then again, I'm a bit jaded because of where I live, and what I've seen and heard from the so-called moral right.

This is not 1620 and the time of the Puritans. It's the 21st century, people, and we are supposed to be an advanced and free society. If my lady and I were living together, and we went out and bought a house, what difference does it make whether we're married or not? Would the city be afraid that we were going to disturb the peace in the neighborhood by throwing wild parties and having endless orgies, just because we aren't married(not that that doesn't sound enticing, but that's for another day)? It all boils down to one thing; trying to legislate morality. And I'll be damned if some sanctimonious, self-righteous group of old farts are going to tell me how to live my life.

She Says : The question being posed here is whether or not the unmarried couple with children has less rights than those residents with children that are married. Skirting the issue a bit, I would say as parents, they have equal rights; regardless of marital status, a parent is a parent and should be treated as such. Unfortunately, this is not a parenting issue. As an unmarried couple...it's clear that they do not have the same benefits as those that are married, and that is simply due to a choice that they have made.

I understand that marriage isn't what it used to be. Almost anyone can get married (I said almost; we'll save that topic for later). Making that commitment entitles you to certain rights, including taxes and divorce attorneys. It entitles you to be designated, in this instance, as "family". So it's natural to assume that married couples would be entitled to somewhat more; they've made that commitment and they are legally bound to one another.

I had the initial reaction to this story that many people had. I was outraged. The absurdity of this city council, the audacity of this small-minded community to actually deny this couple, a family in spirit if not in ordinance, the right to dwell in their crappy little town.

What it boils down to in this particular instance, though, was a zoning ordinance. The city put a safeguard in place for single family residences to prevent multiple people congregating in a household. In essence, there were too many "unrelated" people living in the house together. This is something the city has put in place to protect their citizens and property owners. It wasn't meant to single out unmarried couples, but because of the nature of their relationship, they fall into the same category as strangers. There is nothing legally or biologically binding the two people together in any sort of relationship.

So, all they have to do is get married and I believe the problem is solved. And maybe they don't want to get married; that's their decision. That also means they need to find a different place to live. If the couple wants to be pissed at somebody, they should be pissed at their real estate agent for not understanding the city ordinances.

I don't believe this is some sort of moral policing in any way. It's unfortunate for the couple, but they can make the decision to do what it would take to stay, or do what they've always done and leave. There have to be laws, ordinances and rules. And they have to be willing to make a decison and accept the consequences.

Friday Funny

2006-05-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

I love a good joke. Last week while blog surfing, I found this one:

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and goes to HR. She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget.

Now it's your turn to tell me something funny :) Have a great weekend everyone!

Love Is In The Air: I Smell Sex And Candy

2006-05-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

This week finds The Beauty, Green Eyes, returning for her second guest post on this site and myself, Fuzz, once again spewing my Beastly musings on the topic of the day, " What are the top three attributes of a great lover."

He said: What's a beast looking for in a great lover. Most beasts aren't the most particular of creatures when it comes to finding a sex partner. There are a few things that make a great lover and that is where the big score comes in.

1) A great lover is willing. Willing to make love, willing to make love in weird, wild, and wonderful ways, and willing to make love with your nasty ass.

2) A great lover understands the art of preparation. A great lover will not just break over like a shotgun and say, ' Get after it Big Boy. ' Although that is nice in it's own way to be truly great, a lover must understand the art of seduction. Nothing makes it better during if beforehand your lover does things that really makes the sticker peck up before the act. Playful flirtations, deep sensuous kisses, gentle massages, provocative lingerie; These are but a few examples of how a lover can really get her Beast standing at attention, that and the ability to suck a golfball through a garden hose.

3) A great lover understands that it is also the little gentle caring things that are done after a great round of lovemaking that really make it memorable. Lighting your cigarette, bringing you a cold glass of ice water, and sleeping on the wet spot so you don't have to; These are a few of a Beast's favorite things.

She said: When Fuzz gave me this topic, I laughed. Three? That's all I get? I came up with a lot more than three attributes for a great lover! So, I had to narrow it down some. Ok, I had to narrow it down a lot, but figured that most of them could fall under these top three attributes that I've listed below.

First off, they have got to be a decent kisser. There;s nothing hotter than a man that can kiss. If you've had the horror of experiencing a bad kisser, you will know that the nightmares stay with you forever! So, for me, no slobber, please, don't gnaw on my lips until you have broken the skin, and whatever you do, don't gag me with your tongue!

Second attribute is chemistry. Mutual chemistry is really what we are looking for here. If you have chemistry, then stamina, spontaneity and just plain hot sex should follow. Who wants to make love to a cold, dead fish? Or make love to a guy that only lasts 10 minutes, if that? There are those wham, bam, thank you Ma'am, breeds that need to be avoided at all costs! Chemistry should eliminate these worries.

My third attribute is unselfishness. I am a giver, not a taker, and being with a guy that is also a giver is always exciting. There's nothing better than trying to outdo the other with pleasure. Unselfish lovers are romantic, too, and usually up for trying anything, at least once.

So there's my list! I should add that I am presently accepting applications for "Great Lover" and you can forward your resume with stats to my email address. But, only if you can meet the attributes listed above! *wink*

Taking Offense

2006-05-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

I was recently having a conversation with my brother. We were talking about the subject of offensive words. I am of the opinion that not many words in and of themselves offend people anymore. The world seems to me a place where vulgarity has become commonplace and it is becoming increasingly difficult to shock or offend anyone with a curseword. We are far removed from the days of the Puritans and the days where a curse word would be a cause for punishment and ostracism. My question to you is this: Is there any word that still has the ability to shock or offend you? If so what is it and why?

Intimacy and Fantasy

2006-05-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

We received this topic courtesy of Angel Jr. and the question was: Is it over OK to fantasize about another person while being intimate with your significant other or spouse. First time Beast, Angel Jr., and our perennial favorite Beauty, The Weirdgirl, look at the etiquette of fantasies.

She Says: Is it ever OK to fantasize about someone else while kissing or having sex with your significant other/spouse?

I think most people expect the female response to this question to be a resounding "NO!" (similar in response to the question "is it OK to look but not touch?" or, in other words, is it OK for my boyfriend to look at other girls?). However, the truth is a little more complicated. Fantasizing about other people is a guilty little pleasure that women practice just as much as men. Most folks rationale these fantasies by never talking about them (also called plausible deniability) or by choosing a celebrity as the object of their daydreams (because someone there’s no chance in hell of you ever hooking up with is OK, right?). Most feel like it’s wrong to have fantasies of people outside their relationship but they have them anyway.

However fantasies are completely natural, even healthy, and here’s why. Many are the relationships that start to lag in the bedroom as time goes on. It has nothing to do with love fading, but it has everything to do with the fact that as our bodies get older and as other stresses weigh on our lives it might get a little harder (ahem) to keep things up (cough) and at the ready for forays into passion. Sometimes fantasies about other people help get things moving (or finishing, as the case may be). As many experts will tell you, fantasies help "spice things up." Also known as, I’ve looked at your butt for 20 years and I’m a little bored of the view. Again, this has nothing to do with love. But let’s face it, say you had to look at the same wall for 20 years, it could be the spiffiest wall ever, sooner or later you’ll want to slap up a picture just to spruce it up. That’s not re-painting, that’s not changing the wallpaper, it’s just adding a little something.

However there are quite a few women out there who are sensitive about this issue. Again, see the "look but not touch" scenario. They feel like if their man is having fantasies about someone else then he’s only a few steps away from leaving. Their knee jerk reaction is to then freak out if they know their guy has the hots for any celebrities, their sister, or that sexy-looking sheep at the local farm. If anything, fantasy can actually be healthy for the relationship if it’s enjoyed by both parties, but it needs to be introduced the right way.

Here’s a few simple rules:

DO talk dirty – making fantasy time into something you both participate in legitimizes the smut that’s in your twisted brain. This is also a good way to make it about your partner before you introduce alternate characters.
DO talk about your fantasy – again legitimacy through participation.
DO start with baby steps, the most benign fantasy elements first. Maybe an act before a who (again, benign elements first, i.e. licking as opposed to bondage). If at any time she starts looking disgusted or scared you’ve gone too far.
DO encourage her to talk about her fantasies. Remember, reciprocity, just like with oral sex, is key here.
DON’T freak out if she does talk about her fantasies.
DON’T scream out your fantasy object’s name – especially if you haven’t had the talk yet, but try to avoid this one at all costs (it’s just common sense).
DON’T start plastering pictures up of your fantasy person. Also, don’t bring home new videos, toys, or straps without your partner being completely on board. You don’t want to make her feel like there’s been a hidden kink freak lurking inside her spouse all those years without her the wiser.
DON’T reveal that your fantasy person is her sister and/or best friend (together or separately). Even if she seems open to sharing fantasies, trust me, don’t pick anyone close to her. If need be just pick the celebrity that most closely resembles your fantasy object. Better yet, pick the celebrity that most closely resembles your partner.
In the event that she brings up her sister/best friend, DON’T discourage a threesome. (I mean, we are talking about fantasies here and how many chances like that are you going to get?)

He Says: A D.J. on a local radio station posed the question "Is it alright to fantasize about someone else while kissing or being intimate with a significant other or spouse"? I didn't get to hear any caller's views, but I would have liked to call in and answer yes. The only problem was, I don't know the radio station's number and I'm not co-ordinated enough to use drive and talk on the phone at the same time.

I'm going to say yes, because even if I hadn't wanted it to in the past, I have fantasized during intimate moments. It's only natural. Besides, I'm male...I can't keep my mind on one topic for longer than a few seconds. So yes, often times, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson but not Jessica Lange will enter my mind. And this doesn't mean I love her less, it just means thatI believe she has the capability to become as sexy as these sex symbols. It may also mean that I believe her body feels the way I imagine theirs would feel too.

Some women may think this is wrong. But it isn't because we need to fantasize. It is what helps keep a relationship fresh. It makes the sex better, when it has become monotonous. Sometimes it makes getting through a routine more exciting. And let's face it, we're still having sex with the ones we "love". We aren't out getting it somewhere else. This is the very reason I don't think fantasizing is cheating. We aren't putting our tongue or other body parts in other territory. We are doing exactly as our wives/girlfriends/lovers have asked us--we've kept our peckers in our pants.

And one shouldn't ask us if we fantasize, cause we do. It's just something better left unsaid--like masterbation. We all do it, we just don't bring it up at the dinner table. The reason we don't talk about it is because it isn't meant to be discussed. I'm reminded of an episode of "Friends" in which Ross finally shares his fantasy with Rachel. He says the Princess Lea being tied up by Jabba is a huge turn on. Rachel agrees to participate in this fantasy, which is ruined by Chandler's invasive fantasy of his mother appearing in his mind during inopportune sexual moments. Chandler shared his dysfunctional fantasy and Ross did too. Fantasies aren't meant to be shared--it can only ruin the fantasy. This is where the "let's not talk about it" rule should come in. We aren't meant to talk about these fantasies, we are just meant to fantasize.

So yes, it is alright to fantasize during sex/intimate moments/not so intimate moments. It helps keep one sane during the insane moments of a relationship. The only time fantasizing is wrong is when you are fantasizing about your wife/girlfriend/lover with a prostitute. Now that is just plain wrong.

Good Advice?

2006-05-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

Recently on The Dr. Laura Radio Show, Dr. Laura was posed a question from a 21 year old 'Erica'. 'Erica' stated that she wanted more than anything else in the world than to be a wife and mother. She wanted to know how to go about telling her dates of her desire. Dr. Laura stated that she should ask them on the first date if they were ready to be married and support a family right now.

What do you think of this advice? And if she took the Dr.'s advice do you think she got many second dates?

The Music of Your Life

2006-04-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

In the movies, the soundtrack is a crucial component; setting the tone, defining a moment or evoking an emotion. In life, we have no orchestra or band behind us, musically illustrating those moments, but there are those songs that stick with you forever or at least can capture the essence of that period of our lives. So, Fuzz and I have taken on the daunting task of creating the soundtrack to our respective lives, encompassing early childhood, the teenage years, young adulthood and today. Please feel free to share your own :)

He Says: The soundtrack of my life sounds like an intriguing concept. It is hard for me to list just one song for each stage of my life. The King did it his way let me see if I can do it mine in song.

1) Childhood: At an early age, I was one of those pain in the ass kids that was always talking. My parents are fond of saying that they do not remember when I first started talking because it seemed that I just started out that way. I was fond of making up stories, singing songs, and took to the art of bullshitting like a duck in water. So for a song I would have to pick, ' The Song That Never Ends' by Sherri Lewis and Lambchop.

2) Teenage years: I pretty much coasted through my teen years. Sure I had the ups and downs of all teenagers but hey it was the age of hair metal and '80's pop rock. How bad could it be? Exchange the words Tastee-Freeze for Dixie Dog and 'Jack and Diane' by John Mellencamp pretty much says it all.

3) Young Adulthood: I was a big partyer in my early adulthood. I always thought then that I would die early, at age 28. Hey Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison died at 28 why should I live any longer? But my 29th birthday hit and I was still alive and kicking. So I started slowing down on my partying and a year later met my wife and settled down. I always pictured my funeral with 'Carry On My Wayward Son', by Kansas. But now I do not think about my funeral at all. Angst is for the young, I suppose.

4) Today: I am older but no wiser, a little grizzled but still optimistic. Now I am a father and a grandfather but in many ways a still think of myself as a kid. So I am going with the Toys R Us jingle. ' I don't want to grow up. Cause if I did. I wouldn't be a Toys R Us Kid.'

She Says: The soundtrack of my life...hmmm. While the wishful part of me would like the music to be exciting, reality forces me to admit it would probably be something like the soundtrack from Muriel's Wedding in muzak form.

The Childhood Years - This one is tough. I was quiet and shy, didn't make friends easily, always had my nose stuck in a book. (And honestly, not much has changed since then. ) We lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Since I can't find one called "The Pig Farmer's Stepdaughter", I'll have to go with "Homely Girl". I love my Mom, and I know she meant well by making most of my clothes, but pair that up with the coke bottle glasses I wore since second grade that had the automatic tint...well, I looked homeless.

The Teenage Years - Fast forward five years, and things are looking better. I was doing well in school, playing sports and had replaced the Mr. Magoo glasses with contacts. I actually got the good citizenship award at school which was a laugh. Oh, and perfect attendance. I was the kid everyone probably hated. Definitely "Goody Two-Shoes" during the teen years.

Young Adulthood - I was a late, late bloomer and wow did it catch up with me in young adulthood. I partied all night, skipped school, traveled and had probably some of the best times of my life. I was getting ready to finish college and had planned to join the Peace Corps. At the same time, I had met someone, moved in with him and then found out I was pregnant. He's long gone, but my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So, waxing sentimental, I'll say "My Baby You" by Marc Anthony would be the song here.

Today - Well, this one could go several ways. I could say"I Will Survive", but that's so overdone. "Shake it Off" might fit too, but then that reveals my pop music obsession. What really fits, though, is Rascal Flatt's "I'm Moving On". Life doesn't always work out the way you plan, and sometimes cutting your losses is the best thing you can do.

So that's it. If this were an actual soundtrack, I probably wouldn't even buy it!

What Is Your Fave?

2006-04-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

Once again the limelight is yours. Tell us what is your favorite type of blog post to read. Is it funny, Is it sexy, Is it political, Is it informative, or does it touch you in some profound way?

Decisions Decisions

2006-04-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

Now it's down to business. In this post, The Beauty and The Beast were given the rather sticky topic of a complex hiring issue. Returning guest, David Amulet, puts his Beastly opinion on the line and a new Beauty, Ella M., brings her unique perspective to this forum. The question both were given:

You are in charge of hiring for XYZ Latex Corp., Omaha Div. and you are down to the top two candidates for a vice-presidents job. They both have the same educational background, they both have comparable job experience, and they were equally impressive in their interviews. Your two candidates are Jack and Jill. Jack is married with two children. Jill is a single mother of two. Who do you pick and why?

Ladies first this time. She said:

First things first,I'd fire my interviewer. Marital/family status has a giant blinking "Illegal Interview Question" neon sign on it, and now I'm knee deep in potential lawsuit. Which means that I'm starting my day by putting something else at least that far into the ass of the person responsible for getting me into this mess. Even if by some minor miracle the otherwise very competent Jack and Jill didn't realize the illegality of the subject (or even more unlikely, were dumb enough to bring it up unprompted), whoever I don't hire could easily sue me on perfectly legitimate discrimination grounds. I can't even hide behind it being a necessary bit of information to the job, as they're both VP candidates, not testers for the new line of "adult" latex products we started manufacturing in the back offices to boost the bottom line.

Am I to make to make a blanket statement that Jack would be more reliable just on the basis of his having a spouse? She could be a world traveling photojournalist who spends her days photographing the insurgency in remote countries with unpronounceable names, for all I know. Wives only morph into instant domestic goddesses in 50's sitcoms, and taking it as a given that she's staying home to fetch dinner and mind the children is not something I could reasonably do outside of vintage television. Even if she is the type who enjoys care taking, she's going to occasionally need Jack to take over the endless reruns of Dora The Explorer, the dishes and the parental shuttle service just to maintain her sanity.

Or am I going to stereotype Jill as unreliable because she lacks said spouse, and will potentially spend more time ironing out why little Billy used certain very naughty words on the playground than she will at her desk? The woman is an educated executive type, obviously she is pretty skilled at finding care for her children(because toddlers don't go over well in graduate school English Lit class), as well as probably having enough money to have a top tier nanny(who will later write a tell all book about her experiences if she's not compensated well). I also don't know if she has a long term boyfriend/girlfriend/immaculately kept young plaything who's pitching in to help with the ankle biters.

All I know is that both of them have families and will have the usual group of issues that come with being a working parent ( babysitter failure, need of a more flexible schedule due to basic tasks like parent teacher conferences and medical emergencies, finding a dry cleaner who's skilled at getting strained pea stains out of a nice Armani). Being that my being privy to this information puts me in clearly shark infested legal waters, I only have two choices, as I enjoy still drawing a paycheck.

Hire then both or don't hire either of them.

XYZ doesn't have the budget for two executive checks and the accompanying golden parachutes ( hence why our formerly respectable company went from making medical supplies and industrial products to producing things on the sly that would be more suited to NYC's Fetish Ball), so I'm sending both Jack and Jill up the hill to the government office to fetch their unemployment check. I'll start another round of inteviews myself, as there's got to be a qualified candidate out there who will be swayed by our new growth as a company and possesses a genuine love for snapping on the latex.

And now for The Beast: He said:

I don’t know how I got this job. It’s kind of a blur.One minute I’m sneaking into this BD/SM Supply Manufacturer’s Warehouse … next thing you know, the damn place has hired me as their H.R. Guru, citing my“extensive interest in the XYZ Latex product line.”Oh well, it pays pretty well. And I get to play with this stuff ALL FREAKIN’ DAY. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But right now I’m in bit of a, well … a bind. I’ve got a tough choice to make. Jack and Jill have emerged as the finalists in our search for a new VP, and their education, qualifications, and interviews don’t give me a clear choice. There’s only one difference between them: Jill is raising two kids alone, while Jack is married. How does this factor into the thinking of your favorite beastly hiring manager?

First, Jill would seem more likely to skip work to take care of sick kids than Jack—who can split such parental duties with his spouse. Score one point for Jack, who can stay in the office longer and be more productive. Then again, studies reveal that single mothers are more likely to live with other relatives, so Jill might have easier access than Jack to babysitters. Perhaps Jill can even bring a babysitter or two into the office after hours to privately model the latest in rubbery fashion. (Just make them 18 or older, Jill. This personnel guy doesn’t want to go to jail. Again.) It’s a draw.

Second, in Jill’s favor, statistics show that families headed by single mothers are significantly more likely to be poor, so Jill probably will need this job more and will do what it takes to keep it. XYZ Latex just loves people who are tied to their positions. On the other hand, Jack might stay alive longer and thus last longer in the job; research has demonstrated that unmarried folk drink twice as much as those in holy matrimony. Singles are also more likely to smoke and to drink and drive than the hitched. Stretching your career makes a latex company’s management happy. Also too close to call.

Third, Jill’s candidacy suffers because major studies have shown that single mothers experience significantly poorer psychological health than other women. (And we don’t need any more insanity here. All the female employees, single mothers or otherwise, are already way too hysterical about their “voluntary” mask- and gag-wearing sessions every afternoon with the CEO.) But Jill could retort by quoting the scientists who have discovered that married men develop mental health problems more than those who don’t tie the knot with their partners. So hiring Jack could mix a madman with synthetic rubber—rarely a recipe for increasing shareholder value. Still a dead heat.

Sorry, but I really, really tried to do the right thing. I consulted numerous studies to shed light on how their single difference could affect their job performance. I attempted to use reason to determine the best candidate, yet it’s still a toss-up. This beast has no other option but to face the basic facts about Jack and Jill. Jack has a penis. Jill has a vagina and breasts. So … welcome to XYZ Latex, Jill—let me show you to your spacious corner office.But don’t get too comfortable. The CEO is ready for you to stop by for your first afternoon session.

Getting to Know You

2006-04-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've met some really great people through blogging, and always wonder...what would it be like to meet that person face to face? To actually put a face to the name, to get that "bigger picture", maybe ask them questions not usually posed on their blog. I'm always so curious about that added dynamic, of actually meeting someone you know only through their writings; a somewhat familiar person shrouded under the veil of anonymity. So, your question today: If you had the opportunity to meet three bloggers, who would they be and why?

Rate A Mate

2006-04-10T03:01:00.000-07:00

The last post was a very controversial subject so I thought that this post should get back to a basic issue. A great blogfriend of mine from way back and a friend of this site since it's inception, Laurie, from Stranded in Suburbia, and the most politically incorrect Beast in the Blogosphere, Crazy Dan, were given the task of rating five qualities in a potential mate, we're not talking about a simple hookup but someone you could tolerate and could tolerate you for the long haul. The five traits to rate: Financial Security, Trust, Sense of Humor, Looks, and Sexual Chemistry.

She said:
I am honored to have been asked to be a guest here at BvB by my good friend Fuzz! He has asked me to rank, in order of importance, the following traits in a man: Looks, financial security, honesty, sense of humor, and sexual chemistry. I have touched on this subject previously on my own blog, but it's a good subject, and what girl could resist being paired up with the notorious and one-of-a-kind Crazy Dan? Not me!

So without further ado, here is my list:

1. Honesty. This is a huge one for me. If you can't trust someone, if you have to question or doubt everything that they say to you, then why are you with that person? What a miserable way to live, feeling insecure all the time! In the past year, I have really learned the importance of honesty in a partner - being involved with a sociopath/pathological liar who almost ruined my life (but didn't!), made this trait numero uno for me, and made me appreciate a man who is totally honest. (Like my MT - love you, baby!) Now, I'm not talking about the little white lies we all tell to spare someone's feelings - like if I ask MT, "does my ass look fat?", what I am really looking for is reassurance that it is not fat - so a lie in that case is a good thing. For him, especially.

2. A sense of humor. I have always said, make me laugh and I will follow you anywhere! I love to laugh, and studies have shown that it is actually good for you physically. "Laughter is the best medicine" - yep, it's true. If a man can laugh at life's ironies, can find the humor in a tough situation, and laugh at himself - that is golden. I want someone who is positive, optimistic, and also has a twisted sense of humor. I want a guy who will watch Monty Python movies and the Three Stooges with me, and think they are as funny as I do. A sense of humor is also very sexy, and you have to be able to laugh in bed - sex is supposed to be fun, not all serious all the time! Which brings me to number 3...

3. Sexual chemistry. I have a feeling that this will be number one on Dan's list (ha), but for me, I need number one and two in order to get to the chemistry part. Sexual chemistry is important - very important - but it isn't everything. I suppose if all someone is looking for is a bootycall, then chemistry is all that is needed; however, if you want to make it through the long haul, a couple needs to be compatible in a lot of other ways. Because as a lot of us know, even the hottest passion between two people eventually cools with time, kids, mortgages, life... and once it does, you better have something else, something more, something deeper - or someone's going to start cheating, and then it's all over.

4. Looks. To me, looks aren't all that important. I have dated some guys that could hardly be considered handsome - some may even have been considered fugly - but they had such great personalities... they were smart, they were funny, and those were the things that made them very attractive to me. Now, don't get me wrong - I do insist on someone who bathes, isn't grossly overweight, knows how to dress, has all of his teeth, and does not have a mullet - but I think what is more important is that which is on the inside (see number 1 and 2). I've met some gorgeous guys who, once they opened their mouths to speak, turned me off completely - nice house, nobody home, as the saying goes. Good bootycall material, maybe, but that's about it. And a lot of the pretty boys are usually stuck on themselves and/or untrustworthy anyway. Or gay. If a guy takes longer than me to get ready to go somewhere, I won't be waiting around.

5. Financial security. Although I expect a man to have a job, I do not expect him to support me financially, which is why this ranks at number five for me. I don't want to depend on anyone but myself, thank you very much. Of course, like all women, I like to be wined and dined and surprised with little gifts, but in that case it's the thought that counts. I'd rather share a bottle of cheap red wine and a large pizza in front of the tv for Monday Night Football with a man that I trust and who rocks my world, rather than sharing a fancy dinner at Sweet Georgia Brown's with a rich snake that I don't trust. Sure that diamond bracelet is nice, but are you giving it to me because you just f*cked your secretary? Gimme the blue-collar real man any day of the week. I can take care of myself financially, that is why I have educated myself. A man with money is nice, but like the looks thing, it isn't everything. However, there is a flip-side to this - don't be a tightwad, either; don't bitch because I've bought my 100th pair of shoes, and do not ever tell me how to spend my money, unless you are giving me savvy investment tips.

There you have it - Laurie's Five. Of course, it takes a lot more than just those five to make a relationship work, but those are the biggies for sure.

Thanks to BvB for having me, this was fun!

He said:
What do I look for in a woman.... my cock! LOL, but seriously I look for a woman with compassion and sensitivity, one who is not a prisoner of her own neuroses and insecurities we all have them and she needs to be able to see beyond them. A woman who is interested in contributing to the world, not just racking up the dollars with her hubbie to spit out 2.5 kids and buy a nice house in the 'burbs so she can compare her children, furniture and leisure activities with the Jones's, and to focus on appearance for a second, frankly, a woman with meat on her bones, not an anorexic. Chubby is good! Wait a minute thats not how Crazy Dan talks.... those damn aliens must have brain washed me or it could have been Phred Tight Ass, at any rate here is my list.

1) Financial Security - She bettter have a fucking job and be able to support my broke ass.

2) Trust - Very important! I mean if the chick does not trust you how can you manipulate her?

3) Sexual Chemistry - This is a tricky question because of the chemistry part of it. Does this mean I have to please her as well? At any rate as long as she can lay there for a few minutes with out crying too much its fine, although sometimes I enjoy the crying.

4) Looks - Some men prefer tits, nothing like a great big pair of tits or a hand full of perky perfection to ease the mind, some guys like a nice fat ass nothing like slapping an ass and feeling the way that pussy tightens around your cock, but for me the main thing I look for is a pulse. To me anything with a pulse is acceptable, I am not picky as long as the skin is to not too blue, just like that old song my bro would sing, "I'll even eat the chicken if the sauce is not too blue!"

5) Sense of Humor - I don't care if she even talks. A wise man once taught me a prayer. It went like this: Dear Lord please bless me with a blind mute nymphomanic that has a bass boat.

Your Heart's Desire

2006-04-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

So many of us, if we had the chance, would do things over in our lives. We find ourselves wishing that things were different, or wishing we could change things to better suit our personal needs. So my question to you today: If you were granted just one wish, what would it be? Would you change a decision you've made? Personal appearance? Financial security? If you were granted that wish, the one that would fulfill your heart's desire, what would you choose? This can be as serious or light-hearted as you want to make it, and there is no wishing for more wishes!

Roe v Wade For Beasts

2006-04-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

This week, Beauty vs. The Beast takes a look at a controversial subject. The National Center for Men has recently filed suit in behalf of 25 year old Michigan man, Matt Dubay. The lawsuit has become known as Roe v Wade for Men. My question to the Beauty and The Beast was this: If a pregnant woman can choose abortion to opt out of an unwanted pregnancy than should a man have the ability to opt out of the financial responsibilities of an unwanted pregnancy?

This post is full of M's as Metal Mark and Mimi give their take on this controversial subject.

He said: Oh, goodness, it's a serious one and I feel the need to address this issue seriously. No, I don't think a man should have the ability to opt out of the financial responsibilities of an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe I am oversimplifying the matter, but I am trying to just concentrate on the one question. I don't feel that a man should be able to get out of this and much of the reason relies on the fact that there so many ways to keep from getting into this situation. It takes two to tango, my friend. If you have sex then you risk getting a woman pregnant. I know that in this specific case that the women assured the man that she couldn't get pregnant, but there's always exceptions and you have be prepared for that. There is a risk and a responsibility involved here and my feeling is they go hand in hand. If you take the risk of having sex and she gets pregnant then you take the responsibility.

This lawsuit is trying to get rid of the responsibility part. However this is not a business deal, it shouldn't be treated like a negotiation for a contract by saying what you do and don't want. This is the way bodies work, you have sex then the woman might have a baby. That concept was pretty much fully in place long before a legal system was established. I understand that not all men want children, but this is something you should work out before the bedroom. Bringing the legal system could put an absolute answer to it then the woman's options become limited. There are already enough problems with men not paying child support that we don't need to toss another factor into the mix. I don't think we need another law in place to remove responsibility away from individuals. We have become a selfish society in many ways because we spend so much time saying what "I" want or what's best for "me". Yes, you do have to care of yourself to some extent, but there comes a time when you have to think of others and not just today, but for tomorrow as well.

She said: The man is this case has a small point (no pun intended, actually he's got big one's to try this). But he does not have the right to choose not to pay child support. This man is taking this way too far and it is sad that he is able to pursue it as far as he has. Some men may assume my opinion is because I am a woman. And women always stick together, just like we never go to the bathroom alone. We women are always willing to put our petty differences aside (such as hating another woman because she looks better in a bikini) to gang up on men as a team is how it seems to many men I am sure. However I often choose a man's side. But not in this case.

First of all this man claims that he was tricked because his girlfriend told him she was on the birthcontrol pill. Whether that is true or not, it does not matter. He should know that the birthcontrol pill is not 100% effective. The only guarantee that you won't create a unwanted pregnancy is to not have sex. If he is willing to gamble, he has to pay when the cards don't go his way. A woman could also claim she was tricked into getting pregnant. The man may have promised to pull out and didn't, some women still fall for that one. Or the man could have lied about wearing a condom or the condom could have broke. So does the woman then have the right to hand the baby over to the dad when it is born and say she didn't want it, won't raise it, or pay support? The National Center For Men would then claim men are victims forced into single parenthood. So then there is the argument that the woman can choose to have an abortion and the man can't. The woman has a way out and the man doesn't. Well yes, some may look at it that way. But I see the man's way out as not having sex in the first place. Yes, I know blue one's are painful. But not nearly as painful as a abortion, or giving birth.

This man needs to be told the simple and well known saying "If you play, you pay". Yes, maybe some men are getting the short end of the stick in this situation. But hey, now they will know how it feels.

The Name Game

2006-04-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Time once more to shine the light on yourself. Have fun in the spotlight!

Your topic for today (and it is a multi-questioned topic):
1) Do you have a cute nickname for your private parts?
2) If you do, what is it and how did they get that name?
3) If you don't, what would you call them?

Thanks, Ozy, for the inspiration.

Stretching Belief

2006-03-29T22:01:00.000-08:00

This post takes a look at on-line honesty. The guest beast backed out at the last moment due to personal reasons so I am stepping up. I must admit that I agree with the Beauty's points and basically we are saying the same things although there are some minor differences in our opinions. The topic for today is: " When on-line, whether blogging, in chat rooms or in e-mails is total honesty required or is the author allowed to embellish details." Green Eyes and myself delve into this topic.

He said: This topic is basically a three part question and each one has it's own set of codes although none of which are strictly enforced. I will take each one step by step.

Blogging: There are as many different types of blogs as there are bloggers. If your blog is given to flights of fancy and works of outright fiction then the readers will be able to recognize it as such and you are given the free rein to so. If however your blog is an on-line journal of the author's day to day life and experiences then an author has a duty to keep it real. It would be very disingenuous indeed if an author of this type of blog told a fabrication in order to elicit sympathy or to inflame it's readers in some way. The blogging community cannot be fooled forever and one doing this will quickly lose both the respect and loyalty of it's readership.

Chatrooms: I have never really understood the whole chatroom craze. It seems to me that it is full of the biggest collection of liars ever assembled short of the personal ads. It seems like a good idea for people to come together and chat with one another on any related topic but the reality falls far short of the aim. Acned teens pretending to be older studs, older men trying to portray a youthful Adonis, and pervs and predators seeking to get their kicks, along with Medusa's pretending to be Britney's and Mariah's; these are what the chatrooms have become in reality. As long as you know this and do not take anything at face value then a chatroom can be fun otherwise you are in for a hard lesson in reality.

E-Mails: If you meet someone on-line and exchange e-mails, I believe you have an obligation to be completely truthful. Maybe I am old-fashioned but I liken e-mails to old fashioned letter writing. It should be a truthful exchange whether it be formal, friendly, or romantic. Anything less than honesty should be avoided if at all possible unless it is to maintain your safety.

She said: Let me start by stating that I cannot tell a lie. It's not that I haven't tried, but that it's just not possible for me to get away with it. I can never keep a straight face. An example, just last Thursday, my sister called me at work. She was having trouble with a co-worker, so she asked me to call her job and pretend that I was her son's pre-school teacher and tell her that he was sick and needed to be picked up. In order to keep her from going to jail on an assault charge, I wait five minutes, and call. When I get through to her, I start off really well, "Scott's sick, you have to..." but I end up laughing my ass off. She's pretending she's getting this serious call, making all the appropriate responses, Oh no! How bad? How high is his temperature?And, all I can do is laugh. When she gets to her car, she calls me up saying, "You are so terrible at that!" So, while others may pretend to be who they're not, or embellish details, it never occurs to me to do either. I'm just not capable of that.

With that being said, I think there's a big difference between blogs, chat rooms, and emails, when it comes to the honesty factor. A blog can be real or fiction, but in the end, it's storytelling at its best. It allows us to be whoever we want to be, write whatever we want to write. Here, feel free to be honest, to be dishonest, and to embellish as many details as you want. People will either read it, or they won't.

In emails, however, a person should be honest. To me, emails are a lot more personal. I expect people to tell me the truth. Maybe some of them don't, and I won't know any different, but I'm being honest with them, so I think it's only fair to expect honesty in return.

It's the chat rooms that are most open to embellishment and dishonesty. I don't bother with these chat rooms anymore because of the dishonesty factor.If I was out partying and not ready for bed, I'd go into a chat room and see what was going on. As soon as I wrote F/32/FL, I'd receive five IM's instantaneously. The number one question that men asked me was, "What are your measurements?" Hell, I suppose I could have lied, but what would be the point? I don't know the answer to that question, really, so I always told them, "I don't have a measuring tape laying around, but, I'm 5'6", brown hair, green eyes, medium build, small waist, big ass." What difference does it make? We're just words on a computer, right? Sometimes I'd get pictures sent to me. Girls, you ever get some where the lower body does not match the face? And, if that is their face, the photo's at least twenty years old! How about the photos of a certain body part? If the picture was really of them, they wouldn't be wasting time in a chat room.But I digress. Go ahead, embellish. I may have embellished a little, or at least tried to, depending on how much I'd had to drink, and how obvious the guy was being with his truth telling or lie spreading. My advice, depending on just how cynical you are, take everything you read with a grain of salt and hope for the best!

Vote On The Template

2006-03-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

Big D was not happy with the first template that he had built so as you can see he built a new one. I think that it has quite a few good features but I loved the other template. Although this one could grow on me. I especially like the way the picture changes and randomly selects the couple in an embrace at one viewing and backs turned against one another in the next viewing. He had to switch to Haloscan for the comments as the blogger comments would not work on the new template and is looking to see if he can import the old comments.

I thought that I would put the template up for a vote from the readers. Do you like this template or the one previously used with the art work of Frank Franzetta?

What Are You Thinking

2006-03-26T23:07:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of fun spotlighting you, the reader, in the comment section of the last in-between post. The response seemed favorable so here is another topic for everyone. Remember to have fun with it. Do not worry about being politically correct be as serious or as funny or as sarcastic as you wish. The spotlight is on you so bask in it's glow and have fun.

The topic of the day is this: ' You have been chosen as a test subject in the latest medical breakthrough; brain transfer. There is no scarring involved in the procedure and you will only be trading bodies for one day. You will be trading bodies with a member of the opposite sex. Ladies will be trading bodies with Matthew McConaughey and men will be trading bodies with Angelina Jolie. My question to you is this; How will you spend the day?'

That's What I Like About You

2006-03-24T04:09:00.000-08:00

This week's post is somewhat of a follow up to the last Beauty vs. The Beast topic. Instead of naming the three most annoying traits of the opposite sex, Cissa Fireheart and Phred were given the task of naming the three most endearing qualities in the opposite sex. This time it is Ladies first so on with the show.

She said: The three most endearing qualities of the opposite sex? Wow, are there any? Just kidding, but this is a most thought provoking question. Now I have been in my share of relationships....so judging from what I can remember of those relationships and my marriage to Hubby for over 7 years, I'll give it a go:

1. When they have a passion for something and they REALLY give it their all - I'm not just talking about in the bedroom, although when a man gives it his all in bed, a woman usually will be brought to a true, toe-curling, involuntary-bucking-of-the-body orgasm. But primarily, for the sake of this topic, I also mean in his work, his hobbies, anything he feels a passion for and needs to put effort in. Seeing that a man truly cares about something (other than making his penis happy) and then makes effort to do his best with it is endearing...which leads to attractiveness for me. Unless it's something gross like....snot statues or backyard amateur wrestling....no matter how much passion a man has for something, if it's a gross thing, then it just becomes creepy.

2. Confidence -- not to be confused with total arrogance. A man who is confident - whether it be about his looks, sexuality (no matter what preference he may have), his ability to do a task, or his confidence in the Dolphins/Patriots game outcome, it is endearing to see a man who feels like there is nothing to worry about. You can tell a confident man by three things: he'll look you in the eyes when he talks, he'll stand straight and not slouch, and he won't fidget with his body parts (hands, face, genitalia) And confidence is sexy.

3. Sense of Humor - yep, you knew I was gonna say it. But I don't mean the guys who think they are undiscovered stand-up comics, or the ones who fart and belch in the middle of a fancy restaurant and feign innocence. I don't mean "trying to be funny" sense of humor. I mean when a guy can take a joke, and give a zinger right back. Like, when a man's buddies give him shit about being pussy whipped by his wife/girlfriend and he smiles and retorts that at least he's getting pussy, unlike his friends. He doesn't mind a little humiliation, isn't afraid to laugh at stuff, and can see humor in everyday things. Yes a guy who is funny is great at first. But constant jokes and slapstick gets old fast. It's much more endearing to see that a guy can take a joke and laugh with the rest of the crowd. It's more attractive if a guy thinks the same things you find amusing are just as much for him as well. I find a laughing man endearing. As long as his laugh doesn't sound like a hyena or a donkey on a kicking spree....

So there you have it Ladies and Gents. My top 3 endearing qualities in a man. I luckily have all 3 and more wrapped in a handsome package I call my husband. Sorry to disappoint any hot single guys out there who may have all the criteria to fit my attraction. This hot mom is taken!

He said:
A woman should be at peace with herself. In other words..if she does not like who she is, why should I ? She should not be impressed with or call attention to her physical beauty. Beauty is only skin deep , right ? Something like, hefty boobs, are just icing on the cake. A woman that is not happy with what or who she is .. is going to be hard to please.

A woman should have a meek and quiet spirit. The meek shall inherit the Earth''. I don`t mean she cannot talk or have an opinion. Just don`t scream your opinion at me, I am a better listener if you approach things more calmly. If she is loud and boisterous, most probably, I am going on the defensive , or at least tune it out. Nagging , bitching, and being argumentative are not going to endear you to me.

A woman should have a servants heart. I did not say the heart of a slave. Those are two different things. She should have the desire to please her mate. An example of this would be.. she should consider homemaking a high and noble calling. If she chooses to work outside the home, then she would look at her job the same way. These things are her contribution , and she should want to make this effort. An example of the other end of this spectrum would be a woman laying around a trashed out living room in her housecoat and fuzzy slippers, sucking on a 72 oz. Dr. Pepper, watching Jerry Springer.

I was limited here to 3 things that would endear me to a woman. A couple of things that did not make the top 3 were...A woman that will raise the toliet lid after she is finished. It`s just as easy for her to raise it as it is for me to lower it. A woman who is spontaneous.( Let`s get in the car and go to Vegas).

Everyone Has A Say

2006-03-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

The logistics of sending out topics to the guest authors, their subsequent response to the topic, and adding visualization mean that it takes about five days to put a post together. I admit that when it comes to blogging I am somewhat Adult ADHD. Five days to me seems a bit long between posts.

In an effort to keep things moving along, I have decided to try something new. At first, I had thought about either myself or a guest poster writing about a particular subject but then I happened upon another idea. Why not turn over these in-between posts to the readership. So now the spotlight is directly upon you. Each of these posts will feature various topics some whimsical and some controversial. I hope everyone enjoys these posts and they will continue if enough of you like the idea.

This week, I have decided to tackle a pet peeve of mine. I do not care for it when people speak in broad generalizations. Whether it be race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation, we are more than just a part of a group. We are individuals with our own sense of identity. Sure there are some views that most all members of a particular group hold. This site explores those views. But we are all more than that.

Your topic for this post is, 'It makes me angry when people say that all members of my sex are .....'

Thank you in advance for your comments. Remember this post is your forum. Hope you enjoy!!!

The Things You Do

2006-03-20T04:23:00.000-08:00

This post not only pits Beauty vs. The Beast but the views of a single man and a married woman. Big D and Ranea take on the question of 'What are the three most annoying traits of the opposite sex.

He said: Three most annoying habits of the opposite sex. Being a bachelor, I may not have the same insights as married people, but these are my observations.

Why is that most if not all women have the need to purge your porn collection. I've spent over a decade collecting that porn how dare you try and throw it away!!! If parents spent as much time with their children as I did with my porn collection, then we'd have a lot of strange mommy coddled teenagers. There have been so many times when a friend in a relationship would say, 'Hey, I've got to throw my porn out. Could you keep it for me? I can't bear to throw it in the garbage.' I know that cookie is well worth it, but come on have a little sympathy ladies. It was there with him long before you and when you dump his perverted ass it will be there to pick him up.

Freaking out over strip clubs!!! What's the deal with this. So I went out with the guys and paid a hot topless girl to sit and dance on my lap. It's all in good fun. It's not that I don't love you. It's just that I want to see as many tits as humanly possible. Don't view these girls as competition; They are Professionals. Think of them like psychiatrists allowing you to freely express yourself and ease your stress after a long week at work. Much like you feel the need to talk about everything we have the need to look at boobs.

The number one annoying habit; Coming from a bachelor. BABIES!!! I'm blaming this squarely on women. Leave your baby at home. Not only are babies loud, smelly, and ugly but they scare the living shit out of me. Seriously!!! If I was on Fear Factor and to win the fifty thousand dollars, all I had to do was hold a baby. I'd tell Joe Rogan that fear is ... Definitely a factor for me and take the walk of shame with my head held high.

She said: I had a hard time narrowing down what I feel are the three most annoying habits of men. That is a Pandora's box that once opened is hard to close but I finally narrowed it down.

The Hamper: First just let me say in case men don't understand the concept of a hamper. Dirty clothes go inside it; Not on top of it, behind it, or somewhere close to it. Women love a striptease but not a trail of clothes from the front door to the bedroom with the promise of 'Ill pick them up later.'

Directions: Why won't men ask for direction's? With very few exceptions they all say the same standard two answers. 'I am not lost.' and 'I will keep driving. I'll find it.' You will not find it if your in a different state!!! My husband has gotten us lost in areas of cities that even the police will not venture into at night. Come on guys, buy a map, spring for a GPS, or just stop the car. We will be glad to hop out and ask for directions!!!

Breasts: Stop talking to my tits!!! You wouldn't trust another man who wouldn't look you in the eye, Would you? To the best of my knowledge, there is not a speaker box to place an order planted in my bra. Don't walk up to me and say, 'Damn, What size are those?' Try finding out my name first. Believe it or not but there's a lot more to me than just my chest.

New Template

2006-03-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

Siren and Fuzz,

It was short notice, but I got you a decent template for the short term. I like it, but I fear it's a little too masculine. The header I found is from Frank Frazetta one of my favorite fantasy artist. I like how the beast is cowering behind the tree roots peeking at the beauty, while she oblivious to the world. I like how his half is dingy and cold, I picture it as dark and solitary. The “Beauty” side, however is nice and sunny, friendly. Over all I like it, but not for this blog, but it works for a temporary skin until I can put my full attention on it. If you have an idea or a thought you can let me know or you can ask your readers for ideas.

Thanks,
Big D
West Texas Rocks

A Message From A Beast

2006-03-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hello, this is Fuzz from over at Blugstuff. Siren is temporarily on hiatus dealing with some personal issues. I have volunteered to keep this site going for her as best as I am able until she returns.

I am only a caretaker so there will not be many changes. I feel that this site fills a need in the blogosphere and I will do my best to adhere to Siren's high standard, although if you are aware of my site you will know that this is a monumental task.

If you would enjoy guest posting please send me an e-mail at my address fuzzbox_rox2000@yahoo.com or just leave a comment on this post. I am sure that Siren would appreciate any help that you could give.

I thank Siren for allowing me this opportunity to keep her site going and I thank you for your continued support of this site.

Making A Good First Impression

2006-03-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

You always hear the old adage, "You only get one chance to make a good first impression." How you present yourself to people can be a difference maker when it comes to new jobs or new relationships. Our question today: What can a man or woman do to make sure they leave a favorable impression when meeting someone for that first date? David Amulet and new beauty on the block, Curare_Z, face off and provide useful tips for making a sterling first impression.

He Says: First impressions really do matter, right or wrong. And nowhere does that fundamental truth reveal itself more than in the world of dating. Thankfully, a woman can indeed make a positive impact right away. It only takes one thing.

Be Jessica Alba.

But if you’re not Jessica Alba, ladies, don’t lose hope. Other options for impressing red-blooded males remain. Just follow my advice and you’ll see your love life bloom like a spring flower.

I’ll start with a caveat that should be obvious: Avoid blind dates. I recall my first one, which was simply awful. I had no idea whether protocol required me to bring a biscuit for the seeing-eye dog, or just pat it on the head gently.

One step removed from the blind date is the online encounter. Trust me, o women, you’re not doing yourself any favors by posting that picture from three years ago. (You know, the one showing you 40 pounds lighter—and without the butch haircut your so-called friends convinced you was a good idea.) At best, your date will see you for the desperate manipulator that you are. And if he’s not into the Hilary Clinton type, well … then you’re not getting that second date.

Let’s imagine a different scenario: you’re trying to impress that cute barrista who’s making your grande soy latté.

First, dress for success. Wear an outfit that broadcasts your sensuality but leaves something to the imagination; I recommend a skin-tight black leather bodysuit.

Second, make sexy small talk. Nothing gets a guy’s curiosity piqued like suggestive banter; perhaps throw him a line like, “I want you to give me a double shot… and make it extra creamy, handsome.”

Third, some don’ts. Don’t be condescending or rude, don’t snap at him, and DON’T bring your dog. The last thing a guy wants is a bitch—especially one who drags her dog into the coffee shop with her.

She Says:

"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."--W.C. Fields

Men ought to know by now that women generally trust their instincts. When we get that creepy vibe, though, you're in trouble...whether you're a stuffy old guy in a grey suit with a white and red tie who is twice the age of our father interviewing for a position as fry cook at Hamburger Heaven, or some guy with a dreamy look on his face wandering our way.

Regardless of the situation, what does that guy have to do to impress us? Due to man's wandering attention span, I've kept the list down to 5 (one principle for each finger on one of your hands, if you need to track of them by counting):

(1) Smile. Women like men that smile. Just don't have the "cat that ate the canary" or the "I can see your boobs through that shirt" kind of smile plastered across your face. Try to make it genuine...even if you have to fake it. We fake it all the time and a lot of guys don't even know it - so turn the tables on us.

(2) Shower. This is highly underrated. Smelling like a garbage truck won't impress anyone. Except maybe your dog.

(3) Saunter. This doesn't mean that you have to roll like a cowboy or walk like you're Stayin' Alive with John Travolta. Just don't drag your feet and don't run around the pool. A little confidence goes a long way.

(4) Speak to us. Not to our boobs. A lot of guys have been told to get a woman talking about herself. But keep in mind that this can backfire. If you keep asking us questions about our sisters, brothers, where we grew up, who our friends are...we're going to think you're a stalker.

And last but not least:

(5) Stop trying. Yes, I said it. When you fall all over yourself or try to tell us how cool you are, we hate it. And we may come to hate you for it. Just be yourself.

If all those fail, then show up with gifts...Preferably sparkly ones.

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."--W.C. Fields

Open to Suggestions (aka I've hit a topic dry spell)

2006-03-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

Got a topic you'd like to see discussed on upcoming Beauty vs. the Beast posts? We'd love to hear them! Leave a comment and let us know what topics should be hashed out by our Beauties and Beasts. Your input is always welcome and appreciated.

Thanks!

Siren

When Does Friendship Cross the Line?

2006-02-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

A man recently confronted his wife about gifts she was receiving from her really good friend at work who happened to be male. The wife insists that they are just friends. For her birthday, her co-worker bought her a necklace. Is this crossing the line of "friendship"? Is it ever OK for your spouse to have a best friend of the opposite sex? Fuzz and Vic present their views on the topic:

He Says: Why should a secure husband feel threatened by a mere bauble given to his wife by a male co-worker and friend? Unless it was a pearl necklace, then he has nothing to fear. I have never subscribed to the 'Harry Met Sally' theory that men and women cannot be friends. I, myself, have many female friends and would never dream of entertaining notions of any type of relationship that would cross this boundary ;)

The big question is simply this; Are you a secure husband? Before you fly off the handle and berate your spouse for having a male friend, take a deep calming breath and let's go over a few questions that you need to ask yourself to see if you have done all that you could to forge a secure relationship.

1) Do you talk to your spouse? - By talking to your spouse, I mean do you let her ramble to her hearts content while you put on either a concerned, a loving, or an amused face as the situation calls for? And do you tell her everyday how pretty she is when she first wakes up in the morning, and how her ass hasn't spread an inch since childbirth? Women need to hear these things and if you are unable to lie to them then some other guy will and in the guise of a best friend.

2) Are you the best lover that you can be? - Do you sleep on the wet spot or at least cover it with a towel like a gentleman so that she can get a good nights rest? Do you back off when she is not in the mood and ready in a moments notice when she is? If not, then someone will gladly take your place in the sexual line up posing as a concerned friend.

3) Are you a good provider? - Do you take on as many jobs as possible to support her in the livestyle that she so richly deserves? Have you clawed your way, kissed enough asses, and climbed over the backs of enough people to have climbed far enough up the corporate ladder to give her all her heart desires? If not, then some Mr. Moneybags could come and be that special friend, The Sugar Daddy.

If you have answered yes to all of these questions then you have absolutely nothing to fear from your wife having a best friend as a man. If the answers to these questions are no then you better get to work on them before she finds a friend or before long she could be copulating with the copy boy and the next office party will feature naked Twister and you won't be invited. It's either that or find a place where all of her co-workers are gay men. They make the best male friends to any man's wife.

She Says: Let me just preface everything by saying that I work with all men and my best friends are men, so I'm either the worst to get this one or the best. You can decide...

Necklace from co-worker? Kinda strange as I've never had a "just friend" buy me a necklace. You know, come to think of it, hubby's the only one to ever give me a necklace...hmmmm. (That is unless you count the pearl kind, and I firmly believe that when you get one of those you should get earrings too.) I think I'm a little more weirded out about the fact that it's a co-worker than the fact that it's a man. But that's just me. I mean are we talkin' Wally World costume necklace or Tiffany's? That's a signifcant detail.

OK, my bestest friend in the whole world is a man. We just click. I tell him most everything and when I shut up long enough, he does the same. Hubby knows about him and for the most part doesn't care. Does this mean that I don't catch my friend looking at my boobs sometimes? Ah, no. Does this mean that my friend would turn me down if I offered to um "service" him? Doubt it. But, we do have a relationship without sex and it's a pretty darn good one. So, yes, I think male-female relationships can exist without the other stuff. My motto is...Men and women can be great friends without sex, BUT friends can have great sex too. (I may have gone too far there.)

And just for the record, Hubby works with a woman that he consistently goes to lunch with alone. I'm fine by it. He gets to pick his own friends, just like me. I think that's part of being a grown up.

Your Cheatin' Heart

2006-02-14T18:09:00.000-08:00

You notice that your signifcant other is acting differently, but can't really put your finger on it. Then it occurs to you: Is he/she cheating on me? What are the signs? Texas is representin' with Crazy Dan and Ann Alsex and their insightful posts on how to tell if your loved one is cheating:

He Says: So you think that crazy trick might be cheating on you. Never fear, I am a master of the female psychology and I can help you bust that slut quicker than you can say "daddy likes it doggy style".

First off, you have to know those bitches can be down right scandalous. She may think she is crafty and slick, but know that God gave you a penis for a reason, so use that to slap some sense in her. The best way to know if your little honey hole is cheating on you is how she is performing in the bedroom. Experimentation and all that is gravy, but if that famous anus up and changes her style completely, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If she used to be a nympho and now she is a catholic school girl reading femi-nazi crap, IT AIN'T RIGHT. If you're too whipped to realize this, the sure fire way to know is by how the pussy feels; if she used to be smoking tight and all of a sudden she is walking around like she has been with a really big man, cut the ego and realize she's getting it from someone else...probably me if she's walking around like that.

However, there are other signs you can read before this happens. Note that you must actually pay attention to your little jizz mouth to read these signs, not all of us has the patience for this. If your skank starts paying more attention to her physical appearance and style like starting a new diet and actually sticking to it, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Sure there is nothing wrong with your fist fucker trying to lose a few pounds but if you have been in a relationship for awhile and she has never really stuck to a diet and all of a sudden she is the second coming of Jenny Craig, IT AIN'T RIGHT. Any time a goo gobbler suddenly starts taking extra time with her appearance and it is not a special occasion, IT AIN'T RIGHT. So counter this by keeping lots of snack food around, remember chocolate is to fatties like kryptonite is to Superman.

The third easiest way to tell if the ankle grabber is cheating on is through technology. Cameras are cheaper and smaller then ever, by using a little strategery you can trick that ho. Place assorted cameras around the house then you don't have to pay attention to any signs or nothing just wait around and enjoy the amateur porn hour.

She Says: What an interesting piece to do after Valentines Day. But it seems oddly appropriate. There are many signs of a cheating loved one. Anything from the faint odor of a womans perfume on his clothes to odd cell phone calls that he leaves the room to take. But for me there are three definite signs that a lover is being unfaithful.

The third biggest sign is a marked decrease in sexual libido. If he is stepping out then he won't be stepping up. Face it, if he once attacked you when you were in flannel pjs and now he won't give you the time of day when you are in a slinky negligee then he is probably fishing in someone elses pond.

The second biggest sign is an increased sexual libido. Sometimes a lover will try to overcompensate for their indiscretions by wanting to make love more often than usual. Side by side with this sign is the arrival of new sexual techniques. If your lover has always been a meat and potatoes man and he shows up with Chicken Cordon Bleu and he hasn't been reading any cookbooks at the house then he is getting his recipes in someone elses kitchen.

The most obvious sign however is finding a pair of thongs in his glovebox and you do not even wear panties. This actually happened to me early in my marriage when I was young and naive. Pookie told me that they were his and he did not tell me because he was embarrassed about this fetish. I now know better but it is still funny and kind of sexy watching him parade around in womens panties.

Ta-Ta's for now.

Will U B Mine?

2006-02-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a great time to ask: What is the ideal Valentine's Day? Does it involve the traditional flower, candy, and dinner? Is that really what women want? Is that really what men want? We asked Jamie Dawn and Mojotek to get to the "heart of the matter."

She Says: It's Valentine's Day, and she's awakened by the sound of her man's mammoth fart, followed by, "Now, THAT was a good one!" She has a card hidden in her dresser along with a new book that he mentioned he wanted awhile back.

"Happy Valentine's Day, honey," she says, as she hands them to him.

"Uh, I'll give you your gift tonight," he stammers, adding, "Why don't you order Dominos and rent one of those silly romances for us to watch?"

GONG!

Think ahead, guys! If you can't think of something special to do for your lady, pretend you're a gay interior designer and then start planning. Think sparkle! Think passion! Think details! Women love to be pampered and spoiled. We long to be cherished and adored.

Tell her to dress fancy and be ready by six. A limo arrives and takes you both to a quiet, secluded restaurant. You touch the small of her back, her cheek, her hand, and you whisper in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are that she is your sweetheart.

Throughout dinner, you gaze into her eyes, but she catches you staring at her cleavage a couple of times. She likes it. As she sips champagne and savors chocolate mousse, you place a box on the table. She finds sparkly BLING, and she lights up & giggles all the way home. Has SHE got a present for you!

We all know what men want. After an evening like that, you’ll get it. Unless, of course, on the ride home you hear these dreaded words: “I can’t wait to get out of these clothes! I’m cramping so bad and flowing like a frickin’ river!” An extra tip: Make a lady feel cherished all the time, and your bed will get a regular workout, guaranteed… on non-frickin’ flowing river days, that is.

He Says: The Perfect Valentine’s Day… is there one? I don’t think I’ve ever had the experience of the perfect Valentine’s Day. So I’ll go ahead and give you an example of what NOT to do on such a special day, followed by what would really be an ideal one.

First, do NOT think that because your significant other says they understand how tight things have been with your pocket book lately that you can just get away with a card and a balloon that says “To Do List: You”. Secondly, no matter how tired you are from work, do not, I repeat, DO NOT fall asleep before making sweet sweet love with your girl, ESPECIALLY if she’s spent a ton of money on stripper shoes and naughty lingerie. And finally, if you happen to get caught in the first two embarrassing and highly lethal scenarios, do not, under any circumstances or fits of pride, argue that you were tired or broke. The idiot who loses his left gonad after pulling a few stunts like this didn’t really understand that he was playing with nitroglycerine, not a box of matches.

Now, let’s move on to more pleasant subjects, like MY perfect Valentine’s Day. I’m a pretty flexible guy, and I’m not too incredibly picky when it comes to pleasing me, but since we’re talking about the PERFECT Valentine’s Day, I’m going to go all out. There are a few stipulations to my perfect day that commemorates Saint Valentine, the Patron Saint of Humping.

The first being that we start the night off right with a little pre-drinking. Nothing says “I love you sweetie” like a couple of shots of Cuervo Gold before you go out. The next stipulation is dinner. We gots to be gettin’ our grub on if papa’s gonna be workin’ his pelvis of power later that evening. The most nutritious meal I can imagine is a 5 course feast at any number of Japanese restaurants. Start off light with some miso soup and a salad, followed by some fried oysters. Then move on to the more robust fare of sushi rolls and nigiri (eel, tuna, salmon, and crab should all get a nod), followed by some scrumptious shrimp tempura. Remember, don’t be stingy with the Saki, it’s a special night. Oh yeah, daddy’s having a great time so far.

Now for the entertainment. The most romantic venue I can come up with is Solid Platinum; the premiere high class gentlemen’s club this side of the Appalachians. You can both sit at an exclusive table and sip dirty martini’s while the winner of last month’s “Monster Mammary” contest struts her stuff on stage. This is where a little bit of planning comes in handy too. See, if your girl really loves you, she should have already been working this club for the last few weeks. Ideally, she already has a few friends that work there with ‘open minds’.

This is the part where she takes out her Visa and starts buying rounds for all of your new swingin’ friends. So, to cut a long story short, the end result should be some video footage that will make you ghetto-rich (well, at least as rich as anyone else who’s making a living off of homemade porn), strange women’s panties all over your bedroom, and a trip to the clinic to get tested for STD’s.

Oh yeah, and I think roses should end up in there somewhere too, but I’ll be damned if I can remember where.

Round Two - Updated

2006-02-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Round One has been a smashing success! We still have one pair from Round One, Jamie Dawn and Mojotek, (who has graciously accepted my last minute offer/plea). They will be featured in the next post.

I've had to do a little shuffling since Phoenix flew the coop (only temporarily), plus I thought it would be fun to switch things up a little. So, here are the new pairings for Round Two:

Crazy Dan vs. Ann Alsex
:p fuzzbox vs. Vic
josh vs. Norma Jean
Ben Heller vs. pixie

We had a somewhat disproportionate amount of women to men, so we've asked some of the guys to do double duty. Any other guys who'd like to volunteer..please let us know! I'm going to add an e-mail link for topic suggestions as well. Thanks to all who volunteered!

Friends and Lovers

2006-02-01T09:43:00.000-08:00

You've met someone that you are attracted to and would like to date; the problem is... it's your best friend's ex. Does that automatically make the person off-limits? Is it ever OK to date someone that had been previously involved with a close friend? Josh and Nowhere Girl tackle this volatile situation.

He Says: A typical guy's reaction boils down to one thing- did your friend come and talk to you first, or did you show up at his house one day to find your ex bent over the kitchen table? Understandably, the reactions would vary. Let's discuss both scenarios.

Scenario #1 - Jim has recently experienced a rough breakup with his girlfriend of two years, Karen. Jim's best friend, Bob, has been there for him during the painful recovery. Bob has listened to the sob stories during their slumber parties, bit his tongue when Jim wore Karen's clothes around the house, and even watched Thelma and Louise, Karen's favorite movie, with him. Attempting to get Jim back into the game, Bob tried to play the wingman on many a night, but all Jim wanted to do was go see Brokeback Mountain.
When Jim is finally at the point where he no longer cries everytime "their song" is on the radio (I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys), Bob knows the time is right to express his own interest in Karen. During their weekly visit to the neighborhood tea room, Bob broaches the subject. Jim is understanding, and with a slap on the ass, wishes Bob luck.

See how civilized the process can be? Really though, who are we kidding? We, men, are usually knuckle-dragging neanderthals when it comes to stuff like this.

Scenario #2 - Rocky and Tina originally met at his Philly hot dog stand when she stopped for lunch one day about 6 months ago. Rocky got a little bit too excited with his hot dog and squirted mustard all over her. Looking up at Rocky and his foot-long wiener, Tina was immediately smitten. Tina was soon dropping by for Rocky's dogs everyday around noon.

In the last month, their relationship rapidly fell apart. Tina constantly dropped hints about Rocky's dogs not filling her bun anymore, and other related complaints. Things came to a head one afternoon, when Tina showed up at her usual time. Rocky had been distracted by their problems and left his frankfurters in the steamer too long. They were all shriveled and limp. He smacked them, beat them, choked them, but they remained limp. She screamed at him that it was over and then stormed off.

Rocky was panic-stricken! He rushed over to his best friend Tony's store to ask for his advice. What waited for him was equally disturbing, Tony was serving Tina his own homemade Italian sausage!

Horrified, Rocky ran out without saying a word. He bided his time and ultimately got his revenge at Tony and Tina's wedding. Not only did Rocky recruit his friend, Ivan, to break Tony's Italian sausage, but Rocky also scored with one of the bridesmaids, Tony's sister. Payback is a bitch!
Moral of the story, guys, always think with the right head. Be a standup guy and talk to your friend first.

On a side note, I ended up marrying the best friend of a girl I was seeing...

She Says: So... your friend has been dating Mr. Hotty Pants. He's nice, charming, good-looking, and is dating your best friend. Things don't work out with them. You nurse her through the breakup and feel bad. That being said, because you are her friend, you know her VERY well. You are all too aware that she sucks her thumb when she sleeps, she followed and spied on him with binoculars like a bad episode of "Cheaters", and she broke into his email account every chance she got. You would have broken her heart, as well. You love her and she's a great friend... but an ultra shitty/annoying girlfriend.

Flash forward 2 months later... you are at Happy Hour. Three Cosmos in, up walks Mr Hotty Pant s. Still nice, charming, good-looking... but now... available. You hook up.

My name is Nowhere Girl and I will admit it: this was my scenario. *gasp*

I broke the Golden Rule.

Obviously the etiquette is: if you care about your friendship... just say NO! Period. That being said, we have all thrown that rule out the window a time are two. Why? The heat of the moment. Curiosity. Excitement. Intrigue. The taboo is usually the most exhilarating. We do it for a number of reasons. Most of the times, it's simple. There's a connection, it's natural, and it happens. No spiteful intentions whatsoever.

Personally, I think the rule is RIDICULOUS. If it didn't work out for you... why can't I have a shot?! Why should some silly unwritten rule dictate what I am and am NOT allowed to do. Screw THAT?! . That being said, the rule exists for a REASON, ladies. I know this FIRST HAND. Rather than delve into the outcome of MY scenario, let's examine the 3 main reason why all women should resist the temptation to bunk up with their friend's ex:

1) It's not worth the drama: Any normal, level-headed woman will admit that our gender can be extremely hateful, catty, and bitchy in times where we have been wronged. As soon as the word gets out of your dastardly deed... the phone calls will start, the text messages will fly, and your name will be MUD in your group of friends within 5 seconds flat. It's the inevitable. If you don't want to be the subject of MUCH drama and controversy (and possibly risk your social standing)... hooking up with your friend's ex is a BAD idea.

2) Typically, the guy's not worth it: In my scenario... minute man. Yay. * roll eyes *

3) Sloppy seconds: Yuck. Enough said.

As tempting as it is ladies, it is best to just say NO (even if Mr Hotty Pants is super man-o-licious...).

Date the Cheap Skate?

2006-01-26T05:31:00.000-08:00

Recently on a radio show, a lady called in talking about her blind date. She and her date seemed to get along OK, and made their way to a nice steakhouse for dinner. Upon walking in, the guy proudly whipped out a 2 for 1 steak dinner COUPON. The woman was mortified, and there was NO second date. So, is using a coupon on a blind date so bad? Why or why not?

:P fuzzbox and The Weirdgirl gives us insight into this thrifty situation:

He Says: Mortified??? She should have been elated. It was a steak dinner for Christ's sake. It wasn't as if it was some two for one chili dog special at a hot dog stand. Now if the dinner salad was extra and he ordered one salad and requested an extra fork that might be cause for mortification. Otherwise sit there and enjoy a steak like a normal carniverous human being.

It boggles my mind that something that at one time was a supreme virtue has now become such a gross human foible. Thrift is not some major sin. It should be extolled for the great charector trait that it is. It sounds like he is saving his money (God forbid). Perhaps he is saving his money for his future, maybe a home or some other major investment that a potential mate would find in their best interest. Then again maybe he is saving his money for booze, porn, and prostitutes, which is a totally different thing. Nevertheless, either way he is showing that he is a man that can prioritize and that shows intelligence.

It is no wonder that she didn't get a second date. In her state of mortification that he hadn't had to sell the family heirlooms to take her out, I am sure her poor thriftworthy date had as much fun on the date as bagging skunks.

I do not know what the radio show host told her but my response to her query would be to get over yourself. Just because some poor schmuck doesn't squander his lifes savings to give you a princess vacation on a freaking blind date doesn't give you the right to make another person miserable for agreeing to go out with your ungrateful hide.

Come on, it was a free steak dinner that you probably picked over anyway, not wanting to appear like the cow that your attitude shows you are. Get over it!

She Says: Wrong, wrong, wrong. This obvious error is why the guy is only getting blind dates. It’s not about the money, it’s about first impressions.

Whipping out the coupon sends two possible messages:
Message #1: I’m cheap in general (= doubtful provider for your future children’s private school funds… and yes, girls think about this shit)
Message #2: I don’t mind buying myself dinner, but I ain’t wasting cash on you (= he’s inconsiderate and selfish and you’re not worthy)

Let’s not forget that this was a blind date. These people don’t know anything about each other except what their friends have told them (and let’s face it, their friends probably lied. I mean, if they’re getting hooked up by friends, there’s probably something wrong with them, otherwise they’d be getting the lovin’ on their own.) As any chick with a pair of “fat pants” in her closet can tell you, a certain intimacy needs to be present before you reveal particularly “telling” details about your life. Going dutch or going cheap is all well and good if you know the guy you’re going out with is between jobs, but you need to know the extenuating circumstances first or, at least, some of his endearing qualities. Most women will be more forgiving if they know their guy rescues crack-addicted puppies off the streets (good second date “info drop,” by the way) when he starts clipping his toenails or scratching his balls in front of them.

And since the goal of a blind date is finding eternal love (right?!), or even just getting some nookie, a good first impression is in the best interest for all concerned. Would you go to a job interview and complain about how often you get sick? No. So save the coupon until she gets to know you (- third date at least, but not if you think you’re gonna get laid that night. Better yet, save all coupons until after you sleep with her... and make sure she was “made happy”). You don’t have to kick down a ton of cash to get some booty but cheap doesn’t pave the road to it either, and you better be one charming son-of-a-bitch if you’re still living with your mother.

What Women Want

2006-01-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

What is the ideal man? It's an age-old question that still baffles many men. Exactly what are women looking for in the "perfect man?" Ben Heller and Kay give their opinions:

He Says: Men are redundant….or so we are led to believe. In this age of women’s liberation, scientific advancement and self sufficient consumerism, the age of man should be over.

The Woman now has the capability to run a house with all of its technological time saving devices, have a career, conceive without any physical interaction, and dare I say it, even find the means to artificially pleasure herself to the point of sexual satisfaction.

So why do men still thrive ? Herein lies the reason why women desperately need men and there is ONE single requirement and attribute for the “Ideal Man”..

Men have STRENGTH

Physical Strength. – We are an animal species, and our natural instincts for the survival of the fittest means that many women will choose the mate with the greatest physical attributes to protect both her and her offspring.
Emotional Strength – Chemical imbalances in females during the ovulation and menopausal cycles cause fluctuations in emotional responses. Males maintain a steady outlook throughout their lives and are required for emotional support and stability.
Decision and Leadership Strength – Women have an extremely complex thought and decision making process, and find “grey” areas in every response they are called to make. Men think less, and with a greater clarity, and therefore are able to make quicker decisions, which means that they gain the required Leadership control.

In conclusion, every woman is different. She may choose one or even all of these attributes depending on her own emotional requirements, but these 3 masculine advantages all have an influence when she chooses her “Ideal Man."

She Says: First, the ideal man must earn high scores in the “hubba-hubba” and “ha-ha” categories. However, individual standards for attractiveness and humor are variable and even inexplicable. As a result, there is a woman out there swooning for Carrot Top, dreaming of making sweet vegetable babies with him on their dining room table. Terrifying but true, folks.

Notably, most women also want a guy who is a “guy.” This doesn’t necessarily mean a scratching-his-nuts-on-the-sofa and watching football “guy” or a saving the damsel in distress “guy,” though each of these have their charms. Instead, he gets high regard for that special something about him that is strong and different from a woman, including a solidly serviceable penis and/or tongue. Again, tastes vary from person to person. Lastly, kindness and a nice booty also make for an ideal man as well. Especially the booty.

Commanderess In Chief?

2006-01-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

Philippines' Corazon Aquino, Ireland's Mary Robinson and now President-Elect Michelle Bachelet Jeria of Chile. Many countries have had female presidents. When will the United States be led by a woman...if ever? Would a woman make an effective president?

Fellow bloggers Dave Amulet and Jane tackle this controversial question.

He Says: This is a trick question, because DNA evidence has revealed that Warren G. Harding was, in fact, female--and thus our first woman president. As for the future, men accept that we probably will have a female president by 2020. Contrary to popular speculation, however, it will not be Condoleezza Rice--who looks eerily like an African-American cousin of Child's Play Chucky--or Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton--who looks eerily like former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton.

There is no doubt that a woman commander-in-chief could be effective, at least during those late-night "foreign relations" conferences. You know what I mean: those private meetings, lasting until the break of dawn, with hotties like former Ukrainian prime minister Yuliya Tymoshenko and heir presumptive to the throne in Monaco ... sessions that lead to lingerie-clad pillow fights, tender caresses, and plans for summits on the Greek isle of Lesbos ...

(Note to Secret Service: Go ahead and start installing that live-feed Lincoln Bedroom Web cam. Thanks, guys.)

She Says: Of course a woman could be president. And she probably wouldn’t be philandering or sampling cigars with her interns either. But it would have to be the perfect woman candidate. She’d have to be attractive, smart, probably in her thirties and in her sexual prime so that she would know how to use her sexuality to manipulate men.

Can’t you just imagine all those world leaders and foreign ambassadors crumbling at the peak of a lace camisole from beneath Madame President’s power suit? Or if she dropped her important papers at some NATO meeting and had to bend over suggestively to pick them up? She could get away with anything. And then she could say things like “Oh my! When you gave our country $20 billion were we supposed to pay it back?!” and then giggle coyly and flip her hair. It would be awesome. We could dominate the world. Wait, we already DO dominate the world. Well, perhaps we could dominate alien nations then.

Seriously, women – especially mothers would make an excellent and effective President of the United States. As a mom, your job 24 hours a day is convincing tiny nations to do what you want them to do, whilst making it seem like it was their idea in the first place. We are excellent multi-taskers, world class negotiators who constantly work in a high stress environment. I think a female leader would also incorporate a level of compassion that our country hasn’t seen yet.

Gotta go. I have some campaign fundraising to do…

Ladies - Beauty Vs. the Beast Needs You!

2006-01-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

We'd like to invite other bloggers to participate in Beauty vs. the Beast. The Phoenix has a post up looking for volunteers, but we have a real shortage in the Beauty department. So come on, ladies!
Leave a comment if you're interested, and Phoenix or I will get back to you with all the details.

Snips, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

2006-01-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

What are little boys made of? The question we pose today: Is it OK for boys to play with toys that are associated with girls? Would you let your son play with a doll? What are the implications?

He Says: Grab a G.I. Joe or a giant Tonka truck and set that in front of him right away! You want to allow your son to live out his nurturing side? Buy him a puppy. Better yet, buy him a snake. Even better yet, buy him an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle. Do you want your son carrying around a Bratz doll at soccer practice? Imagine the ridicule your kid is going to have to endure. If he insists on buying a doll, you might have to just give in. But you should make some minor modifications to it including: drawing scars on its face, giving it a toy submachine gun or sword, and replacing the pink PJs with camoflauge. Better yet, just get him the damn G.I. Joe and never speak of getting a doll ever again.

She Says: There's nothing wrong with letting a boy play with toys that are associated with girls (unless it's Mommy's toys she keeps hidden in the dresser). C'mon guys! I never understood why this was such a huge ordeal; like a toy is going to emasculate your son in some way. So what if he wants to play with a doll. Maybe he's checking out Barbie's boobs. Maybe he's learning how to nurture and be a care-giver, now there's a concept. Playing with girls' toys will not scar him for life; that's what parents are for.

Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?

2006-01-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Once the words are uttered, there's no going back. You're at the crossroads. In these instances, is it better to lie or tell the truth? Why do women ask these questions? What do they want?

He Says: Your answer depends on what you want: A happy relationship or a death spiral into the dark abyss. There are some inexperienced men that believe watching Oprah has taught them all they need to know about handling the "fairer sex." Oh, so wrong, brother. All honesty has brough upon the male species is heartache, lonliness, and sleeping on the couch watching "Skinemax." I don't care if her ass is as big as the Titanic, you tell her she looks great. This is a test, she wants to know if you'll lie in order to make her happy. Remember...honesty will get you only one thing when it comes to dealing with the female and her body image: forced abstinence.

She Says: Lie. Lie, lie, lie. Lie like there's no tomorrow. Even if she's splitting the seams, tell her "No". Women aren't really looking for your opinion, anyway. It's no secret women worry about their appearance; what she needs from you men is just the affirmation that you still find her attractive. So, in the cases where her butt most definitely looks big, it's ok to lie. Just remember, statistically, she will outlive you. This means her fat ass will be changing your Depends.